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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

How Deep is your Love?

What is love? Is it a feeling, is it an action. Can it be weighed, can it be measured?

To me, it’s such a special word that shouldn’t be used too cheaply. How soon do you start telling someone you love him/ her? Who breaks the waiting game first? And when it’s whispered, do you declare it back? Was it out of obligation, or do you really feel it?
I first heard "I Love You" from my boyfriend when I was 19, 3 months into the relationship. I didn’t know how to respond or react; my parent’s have never even uttered those 3 words to me, after being together for 24 whole years! For a split second, there was an internal conflict.

“Should I say it back? I think I should.”

“But I’m not feeling it. How can I love someone just from 3 months???”

“But you should say it back. Otherwise it’s just rude.”

“But then I’m lying, that’s wrong!”

“If you don’t say it, he’ll be upset PLUS AWKARD!”

SO I SAID I LOVE YOU TOO?? and gave a weak grin. My armpit hair stood just hearing how cheesy I sound. I was lying THROUGH MY TEETH.

Did he really love me? Or was there a measure of time, when to utter those 3 words to a lover (maybe he’s afraid I was the type if I don’t hear the magic words by 6th month, I’ll dump you!) I wasn’t his first girlfriend, but he was mine.

Maybe I am a tough nut to crack; I am not easily bowled over by flowers or sweet nothings. To me, love is sacrificial. To me, love is responsibility and commitment. To me, love is to honor, to respect, to cherish. Words mean NOTHING, actions mean SOMETHING. If he says I Love You all the time, but doesn’t show it with actions like giving in, being there, lending an ear or a hand then it is NOT love. Words are cheap, yet sometimes a pen can be mightier than a sword.

After a turbulent 1 year, I decided to say I love you MORE because
A) It’s more unique than the overused TOO (I like to be different).
B) I really felt I loved him more than he loved me based on actions (I’m results/goal oriented).

Towards the end of the relationship, I was so drained that I couldn’t give any more love. This time, when he said "I Love You" and expecting one in return, I simply said “Thank You.” 3 years of experience, though with the same guy, I decided to stay true to my feelings. I’m not going to utter the precious 3 words just to avoid awkward silence. Let the silence be deafening, let the pause be pregnant. My love shall be priceless, and when I utter it, you will treasure it.

So what then is love? It’s abit hazy in our world.

Case Study 1:

24-year-old Liu Hang shouted out the name of his love, holding roses and a diamond ring, standing in front of the a giant heart made of 9999 roses at Changsha Wangfujing Department Store entrance. Liu Hang spent over 30,000 yuan (6000 SGD) and placed nearly 10,000 roses to express his love for a girl he MET ON TV.

“It is too romantic!” Miss Ma said when crossing the street, if someone expressed love to her like that, she would certainly accept.

“I am not being impulsive.” Liu Hang said. The lucky girl’s name is Lie Ying who appeared in a TV show called “Stand Out”.

“I like her voice and her qualities”, Liu Hang said. He remembered a TV commercial which Lie Ying acted in that left him with a deep impression. He was studying in Changsha then when he saw her on TV.

“It wasn’t love at first sight; I just liked her more and more after knowing her better.”

His definition of knowing her better is after finding out Lie Ying lived in Changsha for 5 years, and participated in the show “Stand Out” where she expressed that the reason was to show her creative talent and allow the public to get to know her better. She is also hoping to seek for a lover. Hearing that, Liu Hang then decided to pursue Lei Ying.

His friend suggested 999 roses, but because Liu Hang is born with a silver spoon, he decided to up it with another 9000.
Knowing the girl will be passing the departmental store on her way to a recording, he strategically placed himself and the roses at the right spot. He drove himself from Henan (where his home is) to Changsa

Xtine comments: which I’m assuming is VERY far to further elaborate his love. Probably set off the night before, to reach shopping mall at 8.30am. Then again, if he is THAT rich, can’t he take a flight?

However, Liu’s action did not immediately win Lie Ying over. Lie chose to leave in silence, but left her cell phone number with Liu Hang. At noon, Liu Hang was still standing in front the department store, feeling kind of down. “I will not give up; I will think of ways to pursue, I will give up everything to live an ordinary life with her.”

Case Study 2:

21 year-old-girl Xiaoqing just ended a 1 year relationship with her boyfriend not long ago. The reason was her boyfriend’s strange obsession over American movie star Jessica Alba. She did not like that he forced her to dress up like Jessica Alba

Xtine comments: aiya, like the Japanese have their fetish of school girls what.

After the break up, Xiaoqing was in so much pain that she decided to have cosmetic surgery to look like Jessica Alba to win her boyfriend back.

Because of her tight budget, Xiaoqing did not have enough money to do the make-over, so she used social media and posted, “Please make me look like Jessica Alba, and win my boyfriend back!”

Below is the transcript of her video interview:

The first time when he saw me, he thought I looked like Jessica Alba. I used to have long hair that looked very much like Jessica Alba’s except for the hair colour. He told me you’ll look a lot better if you use make up, so I did. Everyday. He told me to sleep with makeup on at night, so I did, and he treated me very well.

He is from Hunan, a designer, born in 1981, 7 years older than me. Maybe I have a little bit of Electra complex (the psychoanalytic theory that a female's psychosexual development involves a sexual attachment to her father)

Xtine comments: Aiyo, girl, nowadays girls can be with men as old as 15 years her senior.

I am from Wuhan Hubei, born in 1988, working as a customer service officer at an Internet company. I got to know my ex-boyfriend in a classmate gathering. The first time when I saw him, he was very gentle. After we were together for two month, we lived together. After I met him, I had no more feelings for anybody else, and would not fall in love with anyone else anymore. Now I think about it, the only thing I can think of is how good he was to me; I don’t remember any of the flaws. Actually he takes care of me very well and is very good, the only thing unbearable was his JA obsession. Any area within his sight (home, office, bedroom), he will put up Jessica Alba’s picture.

Xtine comments : I’m sure the toilet will be a convenient place to gaze too. Oh, and the bedroom ceiling? So first thing he wakes up to is Jessica. Imagine if Xiao Qiang sits on top of him, and all he does is look past her and at the ceiling.

The reason we broke up is when we went out to meet our friends, he forced a wig on me and asked me to go out with it. People on the street saw me, pointed at me and laughed, but he didn’t care. I could not take it anymore. There were many things I was unhappy about but I suppressed it for a long time.

I stopped walking. He turned around and looked at me. I was crying. After four minutes, the watching crowd grew bigger. He asked me what am I doing. I then took off the wig, fake eye lashes and threw them on the ground.

Xtine comments evil!evil!evil!

I said, “I don’t want to do anything; I just don’t want to wear a wig out.”

He said, “It’s fine if you really don’t want to do it.”

Then he said, “ You think about it!” and left.

Xtine comments: I HATE MEN WHO DO THIS!! They manipulate you and mind F*ck you when they’re in the wrong.

Then I went to his place and moved all my stuff out. He never called me. (Read: mind F*ck) I called him. It was the second day after I posted my plea online. He said he was busy and would contact me later. I just wanted to tell him I posted this plea on the Internet, and many people are concerned about me. I want to get cosmetic surgery.

After we broke up, I shut off. I stayed in bed all day without eating nor sleeping. I was just crying. Friends tried to advise me but it was no use. My friends said, if you really can’t deal with it, then go ahead and get the plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba. When you get back with him, he will treat you better. Otherwise it is no use going back to him without looking like JA first.

After much thinking, I posted online asking for financial help. I will have plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba. Many online strangers advised me and told me that I am stupid and foolish. I know they care for me, but I’ve deliberated long enough. I feel upset for disappointing my mum. She brought me up by herself, and I usually ask her for her opinions but I am not going to tell her this. I will not tell her that I am getting plastic surgery for my boyfriend. I think she is going to get hurt if I did.

My nose, eyes and my chin need to have surgery. This is the preliminarily suggestion by the doctor. Because I don’t have any physical defects, the doctor hoped I would really think it through. I think I am already an adult; I should be able to take responsibilities for my actions. I am hopeful making this huge decision. I am not going to think about the problems after the plastic surgery. My hope of love is depends all on this make-over. It will be a beautiful ending. After the make-over, my boyfriend and I can be together and my mom will be ok, everything will be ok.

After I become like Jessica Alba, we will be happy together. I don’t care if he treats me like another person because Jessica is very far away, but I am right next to him. Maybe after my make-over, he will find out how much I did for him and love me back, I really love him, he should know that I am worth his love, not Jessica.

He likes Jessica so much, that if my surgery is successful, he will continue to be with me. If he decides to not be with me, I can only give up. I did so much, and did whatever I could and took so much effort, if he is still the same, I will choose to give up.

偶卖糕的!(Translation of Oh My God found in the forums. VERY FUNNY!)

Case Study 3:

Liu Hong, a 40-year-old woman in Minquan, Shangqiu City, woke her husband up from a 12-year coma by repeatedly reading her husband’s love letter from his childhood days.

13 years ago, a car accident turned Huang Jianjun, Liu Hong’s husband into a vegetable. Liu stumbled upon Huang’s well-kept secret of a single love letter when she was digging around the house to find anything valuable to pay for Huang’s expensive treatment.

Finding the letter so preciously kept by her husband, she was heartbroken. However, Liu thought that this childhood sweetheart must have meant something to her husband till this day. So she decided to read him the letter repetitively daily, after she found a subtle reaction from him when she read.

Xtine comments: Maybe his reaction is out of shame?

Through the 12 years, Liu has read the letter thousands of times as her husband’s consciousness is restored bit by bit.

The 40 year old still bore gentle love in her eyes as she talked about their marriage. Liu met Huang in 1990 through friends, and they got married in the same year. She then bore him two sons not long after. In 1996, Huang brought a truck and started a long distance delivery job to make a living. Though not rich, the family was able to live with sufficient means and it was going well until the accident that took away Huang’s consciousness. It happened on Sept 7th 1996, at four in the morning when Huang is driving into Nanle County, Puyang City. Severely injured, he was sent to Puyang People’s Hospital by the police. He only had feeble breathing and heartbeat.

Liu took him home to take care of him thereafter. Besides daily intimate care, Liu tried every thing she could to stimulate her husband.

Xtine comments: Like kissing him down there? 

Including recreating the scenes when they are young and in love and singing his favorite songs. Nothing was effective until the letter she found a year later.

“You naughty devil, in fact I want to ask you out too, but you know my parents…”

A liner from the love letter, with a date at the bottom indicating that it was written before their marriage.

“I was so shocked, I started reading the words without knowing” recalled Liu, “then I found he moved the corner of his mouth. After all that I’ve done, he only reacted to this love letter.” Liu said that reading the letter, she felt like her heart was ripped open, and started crying devastatingly, which caused Huang’s mother’s to be concerned.

But she resumed and went on reading:

“I got your letter long time ago, I hope you understand and forgive me for not writing you back soon…”

At this point, the mother-in-law smiled. MIL thought it was the love letter between the couple and praised Liu for trying this method. But she took the letter and almost tore it apart when she learned that its writer was another woman. Liu stopped her and said to her: “this is not a love letter; this is the cure for him.” Liu’s words made MIL dissolve in tears.

Liu started reading her rival’s letter every night, from then on, swallowing the hurt in mind.

“I don’t care how people perceive me; all I care is how you feel about me…”

Liu said she always had mixed feelings as her husband gave more and more reaction to the letter, “I am happy for my husband’s gradual recovery, but it hurts that he cares so much about the other woman.”

April 2004, Liu took her husband to Shangqiu’s no.1 People’s Hospital (Xtine: Funny name.) for a check-up. Doctors were shocked to find that Huang had partially regained his memory, sense of texture and feeling – he was no longer a vegetable patient.

“Now, I don’t read that letter that often, because Huang has regained conscious now. He still cannot talk, but he will shake his head to show his embarrassment when I read the letter, sometimes he will touch my hands with silent tears.” Liu said her husband was still far from full recovery, but looking back on the years of reading a rival’s love letter to her own husband, she felt much better and comfortable now due to his noticeable improvements.

That, to me is true love.

I think the 4 letter word nowadays is as easily uttered as the vulgar version although technically F*ck means to have sex which also means love making. So F*uck you= Love you? Whichever you prefer.

When you can finally utter the 3 magic words with gusto, what comes naturally after 3 will be 4.


SA said...

I love this entry! I find it extremely true that people misuse the L-word very often these days. Especially teenagers my age.

King said...

A really nice entry(I wouldn't expect anything less from you). The third case study was touching and really shows how true love should be like. Unlike those couples saying 'I love you ttm',the latter pales in comparison to true love.

This entry is a job well done.

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