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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Deadly Farts.

My older brother loves to fart in my younger brother's face. It may be a silly boyish joke (men do take more pride in their farts than women), but subconsciously it could be a sign of dominance? Like how my male rabbit humps the other male rabbits head (i don't think it's really asking for head).

People make jokes about farts and farting all the time.
It actually is no joke, it could be a deadly matter.

A 30 year old man in Denmark is walking a little more gingerly lately, after a minor surgery to his buttocks turned into a smouldering mess.
The man was laying on an operating table in a local hospital having a mole removed from his buttocks. The doctor was using an electric scalpel to remove the mole and cauterize the incision, when the man passed gas. The electric scalpel combined with the methane gas was enough to create a spark that ignited the surgical spirits covering the man’s genitals, setting them on fire.
The man, who is now suing the hospital, said: “When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain, I can’t have sex with my wife.”
Surgeons at the hospital said: “It was an unfortunate accident.”
So, don't take a fart lightly. 
Know your farts.
Prevent unfortunate accidents.

The best fart facts scoured from the Internet...

What are Farts?
Farts are aerosolized poop. The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening, the tightness of the sphincter muscles of anus. This sounds quite like a turn-on. 

The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts.

Can you Make a Living from Farts?
Like the Aunties from Phuket who make a living with queefs, a highly specialized kind of fart that comes from the genitalia of a woman, Le Petomane was a professional farter who could whistle tunes, blow out candles and send flames across the stage in the 20th century.
It may be unbelievable because it's before our time, but Jack Ass proved it's possible in modern times too.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The above news article would already have proven it possible but we wouldn't know if it's credible news until....

Seeing is believing. We now know that farts burn because they contain methane and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Do Animals Fart?
Yes. We know that dogs and cats fart but cows, horses and elephants do too. Even turtles and snakes. They all have intestines and anuses.

Science Projects to Try

You may win an award in discovering theories!

1) How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell. 

2) Is it possible to capture farts and store it? Hey, you may be able to sell it like how the Japanese buy saliva in veils.

Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way.

Tips in Farting
Now, these tips are how to fart politely, after all we are in a civilized society and we don't live on a Jackass film set.

1) Clenching your sphincters will make your fart audible. The more you clench, the louder and longer sounding it is. So relax your muscles when you feel one coming!

2) Eating a protein rich diet like meat, soy, beans and eggs will make you fart more. Don't leave your mouth hanging too often (no gawking at boobs) as the more air you swallow will make you produce more air too.

So, can smelling a fart kill you?

Whilst it hasn't killed a human, soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called "autothysis."

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Do Women want a Babarian?

On the invitation of Omy, i watched the premiere of Conan the Babarian.

I was disappointed with MDA doing the edit so seamlessly, not. An entire love making scene was deleted from the movie, which i thought was crucial to The Way of a Barbarian.

The movie described the philosophies of a barbarian to a T.
Conan fights as if it is a sport. He don't fight for political objectives but for personal grudges.

As a barbarian, Conan also parties heavily, celebrating with no inhibitions or reservations. He drinks like there's no tomorrow (although he will never pass out and flash his panties like the ones lying outside Zouk) and grope any woman who comes near him.

Unfortunately, MDA censored the scene where Conan had sex. So i had to get an understanding from scenes of the old Conan from Youtube.

Wenching is the act of seducing women to have sex with him, although i would think a barbarian don't really need to seduce women since the women seem to be extremely attracted to his primal caveman-like mannerisms.

Though a barbarian is known to please himself and not others, when it comes to coupling, he respects and satisfies the woman's needs. 

To put it crudely, if all a barbarian wants is a good fuck, he is better off with a she-goat.

The virtue easiest to understand, as a young Conan, he displays much courage fighting alongside his father with enemies.
Having a very strong bond with his father, it was moving to see how he fought bravely and would lay his life for his father.

And while he shows no mercy nor kindness to people who did him wrong, Conan is generous and loyal
to his friends.

These virtues of a barbarian are non negotiable and not wavered. They will not be conveniently discarded like the men of today, somewhat resembling the traits of our ah bengs, where they are loyal to the triad's brotherhood.

A barbarian fiercely defends and protects his dependents or companions for the sake of his own self-worth.
Although interestingly, fiercely loyal a barbarian can be... they do not need to only copulate with one woman. He may have a wife, but he is able to bring home a bond maid and his wife is unable to object. Women are his properties, and it is good to have plentiful like the rich men since these bond maids will help his wife with the house maid when not having sex.

To the barbarians, being faithful do not mean marital fidelity as we understand it now. It merely means survival of the tribe because in such small social groups, genetic diversity is necessary. 


So, with the characteristics of Conan a barbarian, will a modern day woman want a Conan to love?

Today, implicit consent is needed in order not for a Conan to end up in jail. A modern day Conan cannot just take a woman by her throat, turn her and press her against the wall before savaging her from behind.

Our feminist political correctness is a wet blanket of romance where many women would like to feel they are in no control and that the men are in complete control.

There are creative ways for a modern Conan to demonstrate dominate behaviour without it being a turn-off.

Women who make men carry handbags in Singapore have submissive tendencies. Even career women will want to be dominated except the men they are dating don't know how and thus the women take charge. I myself am an independent strong woman who resists dominance. However, the truth is i do have extreme submissive tendencies but i exhibit this through resistance and denial. 

I look to know if he is strong and dominant enough to push through my resistance and overwhelm me. Only then, you are fit to be my Conan.

So without being perceived as an assault, a man can probe a woman's submissive tendency with harmless dominance moves.
1) Do not ever make your dominance a topic of discussion or even asking consent. "Do you want me to dominate you?" just sounds needy.

2) Hold her tight and pin her arms behind her back, a slight tug at her mane or a light nibble.

3) Playfully wrestle when deciding where to eat or what to watch.

4) Deliver a light playful whack on her rump, while she's standing up fully clothed.

5) Take her firmly by her wrist and cross the road leading her or guide her with your hand pressed on her small back.

6) Look straight in the eyes and deliver some sort of line with a penetrating gaze of adoration.
"I love your femininity."

7) Order her a choice of poison, especially when she doesn't have a favourite alcohol drink. I personally get a heady rush when a man orders me a drink out on a date. I am not a frequent drinker thus am clueless when it comes to ordering. Brownie points if he guesses spot-on what i would enjoy sipping.
All these 6 actions can be carried out, assuming you are past the first stages of dating.

Ultimately, we are all driven by very primal instincts. Women want a strong man who not only have deep emotional capacity, but also the insight and intuitive to figure out how to savage us and take our breath away. At least i know i do.
So while the wimpy boys of today watch Conan the Babarian that opens on 19 August, i hope the subliminal messages reaches them.
"Many wars and feuds, did Conan fight. Honor and fear were heaped upon his name and, in time, he became a king by his own hand..."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Spizzico: The best Italian food in Singapore.

The way to a man's heart is through food, & the way to score a date with me would be Italian or Japanese.

Although it's not very fair to judge Italy and its cuisine from my one day in Venice, I was sorely disappointed that this authentic looking restaurant in the alley served just average food.
I'm quite traditional when it comes to Italian food, pasta and pizza will always be my order. Here's the pizza i had in Italy. I'm not the best food blogger, but i could even haughtily say "i had better Italian food in Singapore!"
Narrow minded as i am, i deduced that one does not need to fly 16000 miles to eat good Italian food.

Ciao Italia for one, is closer to Singapore than Italy. There's been crazy impulsive thoughts to fly to Perth, my second home, for that serving of Tiramisu or creamy chicken linguine.
No reservations allowed, cramped sitting and hour long waits at 273 Millpoint Road, they were all completely worthwhile and part of the Italian way of the truly popular restaurants.

I didn't think i would find the same quality, quarter of the wait time and fraction of the price (no AUD exchange rate) at 81A Clemenceau Avenue but i did.

With a romantic alfresco dining as well as indoor, Spizzico is dimly and warmly lit with candle lights.
Not too good a place if you're obsessed with taking food pictures!

Foodies (not commissioned photographers) may be capturing the best food pictures but honestly, i think they're missing the whole point of being a foodie by not consuming them pipping hot.
Eat, eat, eat! Stop with the photo shoot.
Located on the first floor of UE square (bus 123, 5 minutes from Lucky Plaza), it is a favourable location that is near Orchard yet serene and silent, perfect for that date or gathering away from the crowds. Like a discerning shopper, whenever trying out a new restaurant, i like asking them for any special highlights. Spizzico very patiently explained to me what the dishes meant and recommended some popular favourites.
With a $50 credit while only paying $25 because of Jigo,  we could order 2 main dishes and a desert. Spizzico advised the Gil Agnolotti Farciti dl Granchio e Scampl. Never try to act as if you know how to pronounce the name, just point.

It's a home made ravioli (oooh, how soft the dumpling skin is) stuffed with crab meat and prawn in saffron sauce.

A generous stuffing of real crab meat in that little parcel, Spizzico is definitely not stingy! At $24, it was a steal.
Then we had a half-half of Spizzico, pizza topped with Parma ham, parmesan cheese and wild rocket and Ortolana, pizza topped with eggplant, zucchini, capsicum and mushroom. We had a hard time deciding which flavour is our favourite, but the ravioli beat the pizza, or any other restaurant in Singapore for the matter of fact, hands down.

Then, with a sweet tooth, we finished the dinner with home made panna cotta but there are many other delectable sinful deserts available. I need to buy more of those $25 for $50 vouchers...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Ingenius Business Ideas

2010's The Crazies was another predictable B grade zombie movie. When you think of 'crazy', it has a negative connotation. Albert Einstein was labeled as crazy by his neighbours. They saw him doing things that people wouldn't normally do and thus outsized him as a misfit.

He didn't invent the lightblub, Thomas Edison (his teacher thought his ideas were crazy) did.

He invented E=mc2 which caused me much blood and sweat during exams.

So yes, we needed help from The Crazies.

In our modern day, we also have the crazies. The ones who had the guts, who had the vision and came up with ingenious business ideas.

1) Debonaire Debt Collectors
In Singapore, our loan sharks are also very innovative. No more vandalism on the walls or in the lifts which is a criminal offense but junk mail in the form of hell notes and funeral cloth that is freaky yet sends a message through to shame that neighbour to O$P$? It's a grey area just like the many advertisements from property agents, NTUC and Macdonalds we get. Provided it doesn't include a threat to the innocent neighbour, which is very uncool and won't win you an innovative award.

Spain does it a little classier.

If someone owes you money, you can launch a "smart" attack with a stylish top hat and tailcoat, no less.
If only they took a step further and send eccentric men
like Willy Wonder hot on your heels.
A man like Manfred Gunther will leech on you like a shadow. He follows you closely behind in public, and because it is a gaining popularity service in Spain and Portugal where the privately owned company employs more than 500 debt collectors, people will recognise what the man in a smart suit is following you for.

And there is no way to make him disappear unless you punch him, outrun him or not leave your house.

Otherwise, you can always pay your debt.

Then, there is the SWAT style in America.

And there's a debt collector's newest weapon....Facebook.
Don't go round collecting "friends".

No wonder notorious hacker group Anonymous vows to kill Facebook this Nov 5.
2) YouSendShit

That wasn't its name, but i thought that name embodies better, a parody of popular file sharing service YouSendIt.

Sweet revenge at its finest, you can send a pile of shit to your mean boss, nasty neighbour (my neighbour complains at the slightest thing!), the ex-boyfriend who cheated, the player who broke your heart, the bitch who back-stabbed you or the best friend who will really enjoy a good smelly laugh.
It comes in many varieties and even a special of the month. What these ingenious people do is they go to local farms and collect your shit of choice.
They then mail it to your intended victim and they will hopefully happily rip into the "surprise" excited to see who sent them a present. Only when the stench hits once opened will they see an anonymous greeting card that says, " You've been pooped! Dig in to find out whom."

Victim will then have to dig in, curious and furious to know who only to find another card buried deep saying "WE'LL NEVER TELL."

Here're some testimonials from customers

I sent a pile of shit to my neighbor that lets her dog shit in everybody's yard. She must have gotten the message because now she carries a plastic bag around with her and actually cleans up after the dog. She never did that before. Thanks for a job well done. Mary - San Francisco, CA

I spend a lot of money entertaining customers only to get shit on with "well let me think about it and I'll get back to you" never to hear from them again or they are always in a meeting or out of the office when I follow up with a call. This is the perfect inexpensive little follow up gift for these assholes. I'm sure they have screwed over many people by leading them on so they would never know who it came from. I have sent several of these packages right to their place of business and only hope their secretary is the one who opens it up so she can tell everybody else in the company by the water cooler. 
Every Salesman in Philadelphia PA 

Although I am not usually a vengeful person I've been shit on for the last time when I was just ripped off by another auto mechanic shop that charged me $490.00 for brakes and a tune up I probably didn't even need. I sent them the biggest package of shit you had and I don't care which one of them opens it they all deserve it as far as I'm concerned. Melissa M. - Miami, FL

I sent my ex-boyfriend a pile of cow dung about 3 weeks ago and last week one of this friends came up to me in a club and told me about it and asked if it was me who sent it. I said that's sick and no it wasn't me. I asked if he was mad and his friend said he's really pissed off and it's driving him nuts trying to find out who sent it, he's going around accusing everyone. He's pissed off and going nuts accusing friends, you could say that's like a two for one sale. FANTASTIC! 
Amber San Diego CA 

Oooo...tempting, tempting. With the USD so low, while shopping up a storm on iPhone apps, Asos and Ebay, perhaps throw some shit in too?

3) Japan's Break-Up Service

Apparently, the obsessed Japanese are so cordial that even when breaking up, they cannot bear to say it in your face. Thus spun the business idea of a break-up service which inspired Adidas's ad.

Unfortunately, i am unable to find the official website to engage such services to verify the claim...i'd still would believe it's true. After all, anything is possible in Japan. Other than the video below, here is a legit business in Japan, The Splitters Uppers.

Extremely understanding to employees, there is a Tokyo based company Hime, offers staff aged under 24 one break up recovery day each year. Once they hit 25, they are entitled to 2 days off and 30 and above get 3 full days off! CEO Hiradate says that "Women in their 20s can find their next love quickly, but it's tougher for women in their 30s, and their break-ups tend to be more serious." Wow.

4) Singapore's Accident Betting Website
Singaporeans go to great lengths to feed their frenzy for lucky numbers. Traffic hold up not because of an accident, but because of the motorists who slow down to take down the registration numbers of accident vehicles for their 4D bets.
Punters will also flock to remote parts of Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand to pray to deities for winning numbers, otherwise turn up at high profile funerals or murder sites.

Local comedy The Noose came up with an ingenious business idea of a website that captures this local culture. I believe it's merely a parody of a Singaporean's kiasu-ness, but will you be crazy enough to implement it? Sure make money one you know (if not winning money). is also another ingenious website, except the lady behind it has a personal vendetta (boyfriend who cheated with a prostitute) and not making money out of it (kudos to her noble cause!)

What some see as crazy, others saw as genius.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Sights in Austria.

Austria isn't a popular holiday destination for many. In fact, in the small town where we ate, the Austrians who could barely speak English were all so excited to see the first Chinese tourists in their restaurant. I'm disappointed they didn't whip out their cameras and take photos with us then framing it. 

1) Old Town of Salzburg
This historic old town is like Mozart's birthplace so they milk that dead man's worth. Museums, umbrellas with musical note prints, chocolates (filled with pistachio cream, tastes so-so) and perfume that promises you the "magic of a nice feeling"!
It does have a little bit of the European charm with horse carriages & painted ceilings in the cathedrals but otherwise quite boring.
 Buskers were aplenty. Some jaw dropping,
Some creepy whom kissed my cheek when i posed for a photo. My mum immediately swiped out her disinfectant.
2) Fort Hohensalzburg
This is a medieval castle that reigns over the old city. I was disappointed to see it "not medieval" enough. Either the movie set seen in King Arthur is exaggerated,  otherwise this medieval castle has lost its authentic over the decades of preservation.
This is what it looks like. Not too medieval, not?
It is quite a massive place though, alot of climbing of stairs. Pretty much a museum displaying medieval furniture, torture chambers etc. They all sound exciting,actually not.
Castles are dotted around Austria.
Every tourist snaps a picture of this water fountain in the background, it's weird how tourists find the plain-est structures amazing.
Despite it being summer in Austria, it is pretty cold.

3) Sound of Music
 Salzburg is also the place where the classic was filmed. We decided not to sign up for the $100 tour because picturesque scenes from the movie can be found everywhere!
We even randomly came across the EXACT gazebo where the song "I am 16,going on 17" was sung and filmed at. It was found in the Trick Fountain's garden.
 4) The Salt Mines
This was a little more interesting because the tour tried to give visitors a sensory experience with lights, sounds & a little bit of thrill even with the slides.
 For $36, we get dressed in overalls that makes us look like prisoners. It is 10 degrees underground.
 Then we board this choo choo train into the tunnels, just like real miners.

We actually walked long enough to actually reach Germany but underground! The whole time i just kept playing scenes of The Hills Have Eyes, a movie about deformed miners trapped. The 2 hour tour even included a short boat ride underground. It was a guided tour with narration and visual help in telling us how it was like for the miners in ancient times.
 The highlight of the tour was swooshing down the giant slide from point A to B.

5) Trick Fountains at Hellburn Palace
I was tricked by the trick fountains at Hellburn Palace because i saw no palace but just a garden with trick fountains no less. I felt shortchanged by not seeing a palace as the name suggests.

In the olden days, there isn't entertainment like Wii, Xbox or Iphone. So this rich men built trick fountains to entertain himself at the expense of his guests!
A warp sense of humor, he had fountains built into dining tables, doorways and unsuspecting statues that would spring a wet surprise on the seater, passer-by or by-stander at the pull of a lever.
We did get abit wet here and there from this tour but luckily it was sunny and hot! A welcomed sprinkle.
 6) The Alps
Austria is surrounded with the alps. Ice mountain, glacier, there any difference? I just know that i went to 3 places, but they all kinda provide the same background for my pictures.
The cable car ticket to the top of Salzburg costs almost $50 per person. It's a really long ride up, like 3-4 cable cars up. The operators of the mountain were kind enough to not further charge for the 'activities' up there though. So the usage of the sleighs to slide on the snow was free.
If you're lazy, you can use the escalator but this slope is more populated.

If you're hardworking, you can find a secluded slope and climb it yourself.

My parents had a shot had their second childhood, not wanting to leave the ice! 
There was an accident on the road as Tour De France was going on, we felt relieved that in a mountainous area, helicopters were an option for emergencies. Tourists who snap at anything.
We had to pay $30 per car to enter this long winding road of scenic paranoiac views of the alps. Had to cam-whore it's worth.
I voluntarily ask my brother to photo-bomb my pictures. He is very obedient.
 It's a good 90 minute climb down to the foot of the glacier.
I feel kinda sad that this was the positioning of the glacier just last year! Look how far back it has moved/melted already. Please help save the Earth from global warming!
My brother collected glacier water and then lao sai after drinking.
He insisted it wasn't because of the water.

7) Wildlife Park
There're a couple of wildlife parks in Salzburg but i can't remember which one we went. Except that it was another misleading brochure. Unless you have city children who haven't seen deers, oxen and sorts other than from pictures...i'd say you can give this a miss. I prefer the wildlife park we stumbled upon in New Zealand, where the deers are really free and you drive your car in jurassic style. Pardon my younger days blogging for i didn't know to include the exact location of this wonderful park (free admission somemore! Just make a donation.) That's the thing with my family holidays, it's hard for me to make recommendations with addresses because my adventurous family just likes exploring and digging into any nook and cranny of the area we live in and they're usually not listed on Google!

Spot my silly brother posing amongst the 'extras' in the picture.

 Most of the animals were in enclosures except a small section of the park where deers were free. However they don't come close to you unlike the ones in New Zealand.
The deer is so far away until we behave like deers ourselves, hoping to attract its attention to come closer.
Wearing boots to a wildlife park is not a good idea.
8) The Ice Caves
One of my favourite tourist activity this trip was the ice caves. It was freezing in that cave but it's humbling to marvel at nature's creations.
Be warned, there is ALOT of walking and some 1000 steps within the caves to climb. All the better, so you can pig out on those german sausages and pork knuckles after.
It's interesting how the ice cave is situated so high up yet so dark and cold inside as if you are underground. It boggles me how nature works.
Nature's creation. The Ice Queen. The ice change every second, every minute so you won't know what shape or what animal it will become after some time. No wonder those tour guides with a passion for nature would work at sub zero degree places conducting tours after tours that is physically tiring each time.
 So that's my summer holiday. Memories created digitally.
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