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Monday, August 30, 2010

Legend of the Fist

Its an embarrassing secret I’ve kept. Only a handful of reeeeally close friends know it, and even then they cringe and burst out in LOUD embarrassing laughter, pointing at me as if I was a freak.

Now, I’m going to share it with you. Partly because I want to win this contest, but also, even if you burst out laughing and point at my picture on the computer, 我看不到。哪泥哪泥波波。(I can’t see it, Nanenanebooboo)

I’ve mentioned before that I love dreaming, one memorable dream I had was of an actor. Now, my family’s favourite past time is to watch 王飞洪 (Wong Fei Hung) which then later improvised to ANY kungfu flick, and eat durians. Interestingly, everyone in my family, including extended family that was and still is our favourite past time, which is still being passed down generations.

I remember watching Once Upon A Time in China 5x, Ong Bak 2x, Ip Man 3x. My family would first watch it in the cinema, then on DVD, then on TV when the broadcaster acquires it. My dad is No. 1 in kung fu movie watching. We inherit that trait from him. I caught him watching Ip Man for the 3rd time and he was smiling to himself during the fight scene (Donnie Yen not only have an effect on women). My Ang Moh friend who was with me said, “I bet your dad is fantasizing to be Donnie Yen.”

I laughed. How true. Ang mohs usually assume every Chinese know Kungfu, I suppose pictures like this do make us look like we’re experts in secret!

So anyway, back to my secret right…..when I have “needs”, I will rewind, pause and replay on DVD to get high (if you know what I mean). So one fine night (I have no control over dreams), I had a WET DREAM.
I dreamt of *dramatic pause* JET LI in his Chinese Kungfu Robes (no less). I knoooooow…….he is not the most handsome of all actors. *cough* Mo Bing *cough* Face (pockmarked face)
But I found him very handsome….all because he knows Kungfu!! It’s not the same even if Stallone, Arnold or Van Damme can kick some ass too. I like Chinese men, even more so when the strong Chinese values of righteousness, loyalty and filial piety is portrayed in their characters (i.e. Wong Fei Hung style).

So anyway, I dreamt that Wong Fei Hung came to pick me up in a Limousine (no less) to go to a ball. We went to the ball; I was in a sexy black modern dress while he was in his ancient robes, half shaved head with long pig-tail. I remember it all looked very normal (remember how you can’t differentiate reality and dreams in a dream?) and we were grinding (I actually don’t grind in real life, hardly a sex pot on the dance floor. I got NO talent, remember?) in the middle of the dance floor.
After getting all hot and heavy, Fei Hung went to get me some fruit punch. At this point, suddenly, a group of Bangas started surrounding me and closing on me (I am not racist, but for the sake of this story….imagine a deep dark sea of black threatening to flood you). I started feeling fearful. I was alone and helpless.
Wong Fei Hung to the rescue!! He ditched the fruit punch, and came flying back to do some flying kicks. So I was in awe as I see all these kungfu moves being executed in front of me. I was feeling delirious, totally wet already.

After he cleared up the dark cloud, Fei Hung proudly sit down cross legged on the floor ( I don’t know why the hell he did that, but again in my dream, it seemed to be the MOST NATURAL thing to do. After fighting, tired mah, must sit down and rest). But not before he sweeps his ancient robe to the side, and with that one sweep, I caught a glimpse of his underwear.

Maroon red briefs.

Just when the dream was getting good, it ends. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT!!!
So you can't really count that a wet dream, can you?

Like men who loses interest in an aging women, I did too. Now that Jet Li is getting older and getting even more Mor-Bing and rounder, I shifted my attention to Donnie Yen.
Actually, that picture doesn't get me going, what got me going is this look...
I'm not shallow ok! It's not about brawns.

Poor Donnie, I never knew, much less noticed him when he fought against Wong Fei Hung in Once Upon a Time in China 2, the one which I watched no less than 5 times. It was his breakthrough role in 1992, and the fight scene remains one of the most celebrated fights in martial arts films to this day. Was it because Donnie played the baddie and so naturally no one likes the baddie? He and Jet face off again in 2002’s Hero, and again I didn’t notice him (busy drooling over Jet Li, still).
When I read that bit of trivia, I immediately went to Youtube.

Really don’t recall even after I’ve watched Wong Fei Hung countless times. know how Chinese Vampires (僵尸) are always in that traditional Manchu robes and black hat of the Qing dynasty like Donnie Yen is wearing?
As a little kid, I watched a lot of 僵尸 movies too, and I always get nightmares after that. Yet I still won’t stop watching. Just before sleep, I will always get this feeling that a 僵尸 is standing right beside my bed, peering at me as I sleep. They are said to be created when a person's soul fails to leave the deceased's body, due to improper death, suicide, or just wanting to cause trouble. They may also be victims of premature burial.

Seeing how Donnie Yen died in the above clip, definitely he’ll be coming back as a vampire. I think I wouldn’t mind him standing beside my bed (Choy! Better don’t anyhow say. Still 7th month now)

Speaking of them, do you know how they came about? I tried googling why are they always in the Chinese Imperial drab, but I couldn’t.

What I found was that back in old days, family members who could not afford wagons or had little money would hire Taoist priests to transports corpses of their families who died far away from home over long distances by teaching them to hop on their own feet (because their body/ muscles will already be stiffened and harden, so can only hop) back to their hometown for a proper burial. It’s the folk practice of "Traveling a Corpse over a Thousand Li" (千里行屍).

Taoist priests would transport the corpses only at night and would ring bells to notify other pedestrians of their presence because it was considered bad luck for a living person to set eyes upon a Chinese Vampire (or any vampire for that matter). This practice (湘西趕屍) was popular in Xiangxi where many people left their hometown to work elsewhere. After they died, their corpses were transported back to their rural hometown using long bamboo rods, believing they would be homesick if buried somewhere unfamiliar. When the bamboo flexed up and down, the corpses appeared to be hopping in unison from a distance. It could be a myth or it could stories made up by smugglers who disguised their illegal activities as corpse transportation and wanted to scare off law enforcement officers.

Sorry, i digressed. Anyway, another reason for switching sides from the Li to the Yen is that:

Donnie is taller at 1.73m.

I always found Cantonese very sexy and romantic; Donnie not only speaks fluent Cantonese but English and Mandarin too! Not many Hong Kong actors can do that loh (look at Jet Li in Hollywood movies…pppft) He can also speak casual Korean.

Donnie is also a trained classical pianist (good with his fingers!) They should have modeled this after Donnie Yen, I SURE buy!!
Read what it is here.
Since durians can’t be brought into the cinema, I need to find a substitute to fill my gaping mouth when I see Donnie Yen in large screen in his upcoming film Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen 精武风云: 陈真
I really can't wait! Maybe i'll dream tonight, sneak preview. Hee hee hee. If not, have to wait till Sept 23 when the movie opens. Can't wait so long!!Ahhhh...
When you watch my movies, you're feeling my heart.
Donnie Yen

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