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Friday, April 16, 2010

Ugly Duckling.

When i was in Primary school, i hated wearing skirts. I didn't wear shorts underneath skirts because i found it hot. I would lift my skirt up before i sit. So that the cooling seat will cool my bum.
I looked like Harry Potter with my oversized PLASTIC PINK round glasses and awful fashion sense. I am the one on the left. The other 2 were my best friends. The one in the middle, no one liked her in school. Everyone bullied her, big time. Boys & girls. I thought she was pretty, she had a honey gold skin tone. Everyone else called her all sorts of nasty names, and frankly some of them are accurate (i.e.cry baby). Poor girl is badly traumatised with such a childhood that she never dared to come to our reunion 11 years later. She did not really change much over the years though, i met her again 6 years after graduation.

Ironically, i was good friends with the weakest link in school yet i am also good friends with the girl who is a SUPER bully. Guess i have all ends covered.

Both were very generous to me though. In my prestigious primary school, almost everyone has a chauffeur but me. I became Robin Hood, i took from the rich and gave the poor! Ha ha. I scouted school compounds for lost wallets, otherwise sold erasers at a high profit! Ha ha ha.

So anyway, the point is..although i was never picked on in school, nobody wooed me either. I was pretty much just ANOTHER student. Neglectable.

I started liking boys when i was 10 years old.
Because i was never the prettiest nor the most popular girl in school, i felt inferior when it comes to attracting boys. Not that i was thinking about that at age 10, but i was so shy and felt so small that i can only stalk from afar. I have always been a very confident person, but i don't know why, when it comes to boys...i am at a loss.

The boy circled in red was my crush in Primary School. I'm a loyal follower. I only like one at a time, and that secret love can go on forever till circumstances make me forget about them (like graduation).

He plays basketball & lives in a White House (told you every kid is rich). He is smart (in a better class than me), quiet and i find him incredibly handsome. Alas, my best friend MJ confessed to me (before i could to her) that she likes him! Egoistic as i am, i refused to admit that i like him too. I was a tomboy in my growing years, i have NEVER confessed to any of my best friends my crushes. It's too girlie to be gushing about a boy, it's embarrassing!

So that's what MJ did all day. She gushed. And blushed. I was quite happy doing stalker activities with her like walking past his classroom countless times a day on purpose. Calling his house and hang up, using the public phone. Sit at the basketball court all day and watch him play during recess. I was guilty of stalking for my personal satisfaction but i get to mask my crush YET have her to point fingers at if we're caught red-handed. "It's SHE who likes him! Not me!" You know how bad these boy-girl teasing can get in school, i was a street-smart kid.

11 years on, we had a reunion and XP (the boy) was there! He finally TALKED to me. I sat next to him & he sent me home after! It's IRONIC.

Recently, he contacted me again and we went out for dinner. He was nursing a broken heart and just from that reunion, he felt i was someone he could be honest with and talk about anything. He was dumped by his girlfriend. To make him feel better, i confessed to him what i felt 11 years ago. He laughed & said you know what? "I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOU TOO."
I didn't believe him. You mean you were attracted to this? I was a four-eyed cutie  geek! I asked him if he could even know which geek was me in Primary school. After all, the one sitting in front of him right now looks like this......
We're not in the same class! How could he have noticed me? But he verified my Chinese name (which i was known back then).

After Primary school, i went to a neighbourhood school. Secondary school was the best schooling years of my life. It was awesome because i joined the best CCA in school, which immediately elevated my popularity status. No, it wasn't cheerleading, it was Judo.
Secondary school, however was when i attracted female haters. My female senior Judokas hated me because i attracted the attention of their male friends whom they've spent 4 years with. It's understandable because women tend to be easily jealous & possessive, even if they're not your boyfriends. Rumour says that the captain and co-captain (16 year olds) fought on the dojo for me. I was attracted to the captain, but the co-captain was courting me unrelentlessly. Both were loggerheads, both hated each other's guts. So captain went to "fight" co-captain, i don't really know how i came into that whole equation.

This made the girls dislike me even more. Especially when i look like this in Secondary school....
My hair turned wavy ( i hated it!), i upgraded to gold rim glasses (round but smaller nontheless). My shirt was never ironed (no maid, mum won't do it for me), my skirt was way too long. At least i knew to carry my bag with one shoulder, that made me abit more hip.

I was 13, Captain was 16 and had a fan club. Obviously, they were jealous. I was only 45kg then, and he teased me and always called me lizard. That made me feel very inferior. It eventually changed. I don't know how or can't remember exactly when, but soon he was tying my Judo belt before class. It was the FIRST time i came so close to a man. I won every competition with him by my side (He's Captain for a reason). He bandaged my abrasions, he pat my head when i've done well. He did my art homework! My first year in Secondary school was the sweetest.

We had this "special relationship" going on for a long while. Until i decided to tell him to forget me. I felt that i couldn't be the girlfriend he should have. I can't go out late, i won't hold his hand, i won't kiss him. I was afterall, 13 ( i mature very slow). Besides, my parents were sending my elder brother to counselling at that time (he was 15). And the psychologist was grilling him about boy-girl-relationships. I didn't want to LIE when i meet the counsellor.

Then he graduated. As he went to poly, his social circle widened. But he still wrote me letters and made me cards. Before he got married, he called me to say he needed to say one last thing. Just so he could close that high school chapter. He said " After i graduated, i never shook off thinking what it could have been......."
At 14, i was picked to represent Singapore schools in ChangMai for a friendly Judo match. I had this tracksuit that said Singapore at the back. It was all pretty cool. I was the youngest representative in the team, so naturally the older boys doted on me.
This time round, the RJC girls hated me for "stealing" their boys.
But it was the best time of my life because it was my first EXPENSES PAID overseas trip alone.
It was an experience of a lifetime competing with the Thais. Our best players were no match for them. They who trained day and night whilst naturally even our best player from Hwa Chong still had to mug for exams.

I had afew Thai admirers too who gave me roses, coin banks and came to my hotel lobby(that freaked me out). I was naive, i thought people will go around stabbing you with an AIDS infected needle on the street. So even though the weather was super hot, i acted cool wearing long sleeves everywhere. As if my long sleeves were made of steel.
My best friend then introduced me to contact lenses. At 15, i finally made the switch. I was born dark skinned.
My mum said she couldn't resist coffee anymore, whilst she endured during her first pregnancy.
And i kinda, fell for the new Judo captain.....again. He was very very cute. Just as shy as i was in Primary school, i only stalked afar. This time closer, because we were in the same sport. I could only secretly snap photos of him, i didn't dare ask. Alas, he liked my best friend who was the most popular & prettiest girl in school.
Co-incidentally or not, my crush's best friend (who is also in Judo) likes me instead. But i didn't like him. He's too fair, and too clueless. This was a photo initiated by my best friend. Of course he'd oblige because he likes her!

I remember it being very torturous because i liked him alot but he only had eyes for my best friend. They did get together briefly, but even when they broke up, i didn't stand a chance.
6 years after graduation, we re-contacted, i confessed. I get into a habit of blurting everything out, just for laughs. He said he was kinda attracted to me in Secondary school (Yah right! His gfs were non-stop loh) and asked me if he still stands a chance.
At 15, i was spotted at a Teens Magazine exhibition and that was my first photoshoot.
Ok, actually when i was 8, i was a calefare in some Ch8 drama with Cynthia Koh. She kept nagging the director to buy me an ice-cream but neither of them misers did give. But i remember she was very fond of me, because she held my hand at Clarke Quay even when we're not filming. I remember stuffing some fake money into the pocket to keep as a souvenier, but forgot when i returned the uniform to Wardrobe Unit.
I knew WK first. When i was 14. He was my canoe buddy. I immediately grabbed him as a buddy while other girls naturally chose girls as partners. I knew if i had a guy, i'd have a MUCH EASIER time. I was right.
School camps were SO MUCH FUN. Me and WK were the couple on the extreme left, i played man, he played woman.
I knew WK first but alas, he FALLS FOR MY BEST FRIEND AGAIN! However, WK's best friend liked me indeed.
AY gets very high when he sees me in 2 pony tails (he told me).  The 4 of us spent ALOT of time together. Then, it got complicated. See, my best friend didn't like WK that much, i didn't like AY that much. And i thought we can swop! Not that my best friend will like AY, but i think somehow along the way i confessed to WK and i guess brotherhood came first. They both including alot of other common friends ocstracised me.

It was very painful because i liked WK alot, and i kept thinking "but i knew him first! Before SF(besf gf) did, before AY knew i existed! I didn't do anything wrong!" I think he's VERY handsome plus he knows takewando! Ok, i realised i have a weakness for martial artists and handsome boys.

All these ordeals made me feel so unlucky in love. The boys whom i liked didn't like me, the boys i didn't like liked me.
Like KC who liked my best friend first, then when he got rejected, he gave me her present! I was second choice! But ok, got to give him credit, he later on gave me the most unique present ever. A blowfish that only swims up and down in a tall Winnie the Pooh (my favourite!) glass. He has thought.

All these plus the many other female best friends (supposedly) backstabbed me. It all got very complicated from age 15 on. Secondary school's phrase of the decade was "Wanna be my stead?"

I graduated and went on to Poly. There were afew botched attempts at getting hitched. I guess i intimidated males. Afew guys have told me that they didn't know how to "handle" me, with my vivacious nature.

My friend, above who is SO SHY around females actually TRIED putting his hand around my waist for the picture! Guess it's because i put mine on his first. Haha. He has told me countless times that he liked me silly back then but was too afraid to make a move. Notice his fist is clenched, i bet it's also sweaty.

I told him 4 years later, that back then i was also attracted to him. Now he's kicking himself in the foot.
I had a notebook where i kept score of who courted me. I only put a one when someone officially asks me "Want to be my stead?" I stopped keeping count after Secondary school. After all, when you hit 17, "wanna be my stead?" seems passe.

Secondary school was the most heart breaking time of my life. My love was never returned (other than the Judo captain when i was 13). At 18, my mum was starting to worry why i don't have a boyfriend still. I don't know! I don't know how does one goes into a relationship. Let's just say i am a careful decision maker. Or perhaps i just didn't meet someone who i liked THAT much to give my all.

Up till this point, i pitied myself. I felt i was Cinderella minus the Prince Charming. I was scrubbing the floors (literally), folding the clothes, polishing shoes (really!) at home.
So i never had a relationship till i turned 19. My first relationship, let's just say was an experiment. We spent half of it together in Australia. I learnt alot about myself, about men, about relationships in the 3 years. It was difficult breaking up because i thought i'd be marrying my first boyfriend (not that particular one, but just the notion of the first boyfriend). In the end, i had to because the relationship started turning poisonous, i hated being left in limbo. I left the relationship knowing what i wanted in the next partner.

Anyway, now that i'm older i became aware of my sensuality. I became sexually confident. I flirt, i tease, i cajoled. I chased boys.

In the beginning of this post, you saw me meekly taking pictures of cute guys secretly. From afar, side views...the works of a coward.

Now, i am not ashamed and i don't care if that makes me a paedophile even. They boys are 7 years younger. I even asked them if they'll be with an older woman. Ha ha ha ha ha. I love seeing them blush. Shit, i'm a cougar!!

Many didn't dare. But i did it first, regret later.
Which includes Wu Zun to pose with me.
Not my prettiest picture, but enough to fantasize.

So, my mum kept saying i like handsome boys (who doesn't?) but she insisted that handsome men are not necessary good men.

Then i met him.

I remember that night i was reluctant to join the girls. I wanted to go home and curl up watching TV. I went and he came at the eleventh hour before i was about to leave! I remembered he told me he almost didn't make it either because he just came back from KL for work. Talk about fate.

SO, at this point of my life, i have already outgrew the shy girl, the one who always lost out to her best friends.& with past experiences, i learnt that if you let that opportunity go, it won't return. Words unsaid, remain worthless.


I started a conversation with an offensive line. He politely answered, slightly amused. I swear, it wasn't a tactic, i just blurted it out. We chatted for a short while, and i kinda figured he wasn't really that interested in me (some men are very obvious with their interest). So it was late, i was yawning, i called it a night. I was crossing my fingers that he said he'll go down the hill with me (we were on Emily Hill), but he didn't. That proved my intuition right....not.interested.

But the next day...
And i flirted back.
Soon we're on our first date!
Secretly snapping a poorly lit photo AGAIN!!
Felt stupid and mastered up courage to take a frontal picture with him. Ok, i always found it weird to take photos together on a first date. It's like erm...abit too aggressive? Like you show that you're very much into him to want to keep a permanent memory? Call it my ego, but i will not allow him to think that.

The point was....actually i wasn't that into him. Not on our first date. I couldn't understand his accent, and i found him talking toooo slooow that maaaakes meeeee waaaaaaant tooooo Zzzzzzzzzzzz..........

But i took pictures anyway because i found him incredibly sauve. I wasn't in my best outfit, frankly. & i went out in flats, when heels would make my legs longer. It's really important to be yourself on a date. That's what makes you attractive.

18 months later, i dug out our emails (yes, the romance started old-fashionedly). We both analysed the "courtship" and exchanged notes before.
When i told him i didn't know he was interested in me the first time we met. He said, "that was the trick!"
Never ever let the woman know you're into her, that's predictable.

But if he hadn't followed up, we wouldn't have happened.


chahleen said...

I really enjoyed reading your love life story :)

Anonymous said...

its very rare for me to do this, i must say :)

don't like to show faces of my lovers, haha.

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