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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Seeing is NOT Believing

The perfect beauty is almost like a myth. Most women nowadays use some form of help or another to enhance looks temporary, if not permanently. Ugly ducklings fret not, because one day you will become a swan. Poor girls, fret not because as the Chinese saying goes, 世界上没有丑女人,只有懒女人。(there's no ugly women, just lazy women). 

We often joke with the boys that the product might not look like its packaging! I must stress, there is nothing wrong with enhancing one's looks, after all, who doesn't like eye candy and a boost in confidence? However, here's my concocted list of things ONLY a woman can fake. You men are walking in a mine field! 

1) Fake Eye Lashes
7 out of 10 girls on the train i observed everyday wears fake eyelashes. Falsies undeniably makes our Asian slit eyes wider, bigger. The innocent doe eyed look. It instantly gives you a double eyelid too! That is, provided you aren't putting one of those dramatic ones that makes you look like a bird flew head on into your eyes.



To Uncover a Fake: Say with a straight face "Your eyelash did not stick on properly" If she immediately self-consciously checks her eyelash..she's a FAKE! If it's real, she'll raise her eyebrow and think you're crazy. Then laugh it off and probably not see her again because she thinks you're a douche bag.

2) Make-up

Forgot how the above subject looked like without makeup? Look again.
Now see her with make-up.


It almost looks doctored, but see the step-by-step makeup process here

Now, i always believe that you shouldn't criticize others before looking at yourself. So to be fair, here's my before and after picture too.


And just because you know it's entertaining to watch the power of make-up unfolding in front of your eyes, here's a compilation found on Youtube.
How to Uncover a Fake: "Accidentally" push her into a swimming pool. This way, she is caught unaware (therefore most likely non-waterproof makeup). Her eyebrows might be erased, her concealer may fade. Bonus...if she turns out to be not so pretty, but a fantastic get to see wet clothes clung to her shape. SCORE!

3) Push up Bra
Don't need to say much more.

How to Uncover a Fake: The only way to discover a fake is to undress her really. But if you can't reach there, then hug her really tight from the front and use your sensitive nipples to detect her thick padding.

4) Orgasms
Meg Ryan from When Harry Meets Sally demonstrates it very well (very funny too!)

How to Uncover a Fake: They say women can fake the squeeze, the contraction, the sounds, the expressions SO well that you can hardly detect. Actually, i don't see why a man will want to uncover a fake in this instance because it will be a huge ego buster won't it? But if you really want to know the truth, the only way i can think is to jab her in the ribs when she cums. You see, if someone supposedly is experiencing an orgasm, it is such a strong reaction that you can hardly feel anything else correct? So if you jab her and she shoots you a real dirty look, it would mean she can FEEL that jab. Don't take me for my word though, and don't sue me if you get punched.

5) Gender
Yes, a woman might not be a woman. Just look at transgender actress "Treechada Nong Poyd" Malayaporn.
She makes me feel like a man already.
How to uncover a Fake: Sorry, with something looking like her, i think it's a slim chance of finding out, unless you dig really deep into her history.
6) Eye Color
If you've always thought that girl you're dating looks extremely exotic or mixed because she has misty grey or hazelnut brown eyes, they could be fake. 
Look, we even have Hello Kitty lenses to mesmeroize you.

How to uncover a Fake: Take her to a BBQ. Contact lenses are drying, coloured ones are even more so. If we stand too long in front of the bon fire, our eyes will sting and the optician even warned me that my lenses will melt! Be sure she doesn't charge you with intentionally blinding her though.

7) Hair Extentions
How to uncover a Fake: This one is quite easy. You can't tell from looking, but you definitely can feel it out if you run your fingers through her hair. Now, you might not be able to do that on a first date, but you can pretend there is something in her hair and you just have to dig in vigorously to get it out. Hint, reach in from underneath her head,near the scalp, towards the neck.

8) Pregnancy
Oh yes, this is one thing that ONLY women can fake to get attention, get marriage, get money, get anything.
How to uncover a Fake: Be physically there to see the test results, i guess. No other way.

9) Perky Nipples
Have you watched Sex and the City? Did you realise Charlotte's two twins were obviously asking for out in the scene where she appears in a bright pink suit? Initially, we thought it was a wardrobe malfunction, until i found this and realise it's the latest trend now! But of course, Sex and the City is ALWAYS setting trends.

The natural look is back. Nipples are in. From your favourite magazines, to stars gracing the red carpet, women are showing off their breasts with pride. Body Perks nipple enhancers are the latest fashion accessory for your breasts, Samantha from Sex and the City's actually started it first. For full effect, wear under a soft cup bra for enhanced, perky appeal.
Well, Singaporean women are not using this yet, but don't say i didn't pre-empt you!
How to uncover a Fake: Don't know how to advise you.

10) Virginity
The last straw a woman can deceive you, is her virginity. Sold on the Internet, this little bag of blood can be inserted and will burst when "poked". Don't ask me what if it doesn't work correctly, ask the manufacturer who'll likely to tell you 98% of the time, it works just like what the condom makers will tell you that they're pretty safe but accidents still happen.

How to Uncover a Fake: At this point, really??

So you see guys, inner beauty is alot more important than external beauty. Beauty lasts a decade, character lasts a lifetime.


Unknown said...

OMG~!!! They actually sell this bloody shit to insert into your vagina??? What the hell???

Xtine said...

This is the cheaper version. more expensive version is surgery that will mend back the hymen.

Anonymous said...

Its not surprising that girls fake shit. Also, the pretty, more innocent things have all the more reason to be dodgy (if you were to con someone, wouldn't a prettier innocent looking girl be more likely).

Anonymous said...

(likely) *convincing

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