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Thursday, October 6, 2011

We are all Born Winners.

There was a time when I contemplated suicide. I was 17. 

I am very fortunate to have a complete happy family, but the immature me felt utterly miserable with the biased parents.

I grew up with criticism like "i'm good for nothing but being vain" or that "boys won't like me because of xxx"  . I grew up with earning my own keep. I grew up with eating the leftovers. The favoritism made me wonder if I was swooped at birth , it made me wish I was Caldecott Queen Zoe Tay’s daughter (I idolized her back then). I felt very unloved and I questioned my existence.

It was a dark period of my life. My best friend could even recount me asking her if anyone would tear if I passed on. I don’t remember her reply.

There were nights when I would light a candle and play with flame. Days when I was home alone and thought about the gas. Later on at 20 when I bungee jumped, I realized how much guts it takes to jump off a building.

Fortunately, the depression didn’t last long enough to do much damage. I didn’t go wild partying, I didn’t do drugs, and I didn’t sleep around. Instead, I focused my negative energy into a sport. It was at Takewando class where I met a friend, who showed me tender loving kindness with no ulterior motives.

In those months, he made me a mix tape of inspirational songs, wrote me countless encouraging notes and piled me with chocolates that packed me with endorphins. He made me mingle with his friends and he brought me out, he distracted me from ending my life. For someone who needed much love at that time, it wouldn’t be too difficult to spiral into a relationship without thinking twice.

However, that didn’t happen and it made me realize I am stronger than I think. 

Our parents aren't perfect. They are also humans and they are also learning. Later on when i grew up and moved to Australia, my relationship with my parents got better. I appreciated their existence more as they did to mine. As i grow older, my heart wince as i see my parents age. With each day, i learn to be more patient with my once critical mum. I bite my tongue before retorting, I spend more time with her willingly.

We are all born winners; we were that one sperm that won the other 37539202 sperms. Don’t you ever forget that.

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