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Saturday, December 24, 2011

A sheet from my Notebook.

Like a prisoner who marks the days that has passed by making notches on the bed post to an alpha male who keeps memorabilia of every girl he has slept with, I keep a book of boys whom I’ve rejected. This post is going to sound extremely egoistic, but hey everyone has one of those low self-esteem moments and this diary entry will probably serve its purpose in a pick-me-up.

Mind you, the name only makes the list only if the boy explicitly asked me “to go stead” with him. The recording stopped in year 2003 when “be my stead” became passé.

Nobody uses that phrase now and thus the ambiguity and hearts broken unconsciously. Whilst in those days where "want to be my stead" can be asked unabashed, it also means the reply don't need to be minced. "No, i don't want to be your horse."

Today, with the wishy washy start of the subject matter 

"I spending time with you. I hmmm....really like your personality. I hmmm....would like to see you more. I hmmm...hope you will want to..."

If you don't feel the same way, you need to think quickly on the spot how to let him down gently and tactfully. I twist, turn and wriggle my way out with words but i've never said "No, i don't want to be your girlfriend". Why? Because that would be totally presumptuous on my part, for he never did ask "want to be my stead?"

And men accuse women of leading them on.

Women Should not Court

Female magazines like Cosmopolitan or Cleo teach women to take charge and be a man eater, making us believe that men actually like aggressive women, women who make the first move for a change. Despite how convincingly their articles are, i think it's innate and will never change, that men are the hunters.

Born with a star sign that oozes with sexuality and passions, I often am not afraid to make the first move on any moving thing. I have no qualms courting a man and i've done it to the men whom i call boyfriends.

Experiences have proven me that men do not appreciate and treasure as much as if they were the one who hunted for you. Men has an innate desire to chase.

2011 has seen a couple of suitors that bemused me with their antics yet showed so clear how society has breed a generation of focused (not in a good way) men. A generation of girly men who cower in fear, not wanting to chase is another topic for another day.

2011 has seen suitors of professions that every mum would want her son to be, and a profession that every mum would want her daughter to marry. Alas, my mum is taken by my dad.
Mothers are biased. Because of a certain profession, they think well of a person. This man who would be held in high regard by mothers tried to cuddle me in the cinema on a first date! I put his hand back in place, crossed my arms and warned him to behave. He obeyed. 

He continued asking me out a total of 3 more times in consecutive weeks before his interest started to wane and disappeared.

Honestly, he had the entire package for a typical Singaporean girl. Looks, cash, condo, car. It shouldn't be too difficult for him to get hitched if he wanted an instant wife. 

Last I heard he has since then gone around the social circuit asking any available girl out without any quality control.

Then there was that younger boy, who tried to impress me with his domineering ways. Hollering for taxis, insisting on a show i wasn't interested in and then insisting that because i didn't want to be with him, i must be not into settling down, marrying and having babies.

Last i heard, he hasn't graduated from university.

But then there was this man who had his head screwed on right and his ethics in check. After going out a couple of times, i was pressured to decide. In his exact words, "i want to be investing in someone whom i see a potential in and a high chance of bearing fruit."

He was blatantly honest and so i could brutally reply that i won't be a pawn in his chest game. He cannot check-mate me.

Then there was the sweet man who took me out for a birthday lunch but made a wrong move of making it a picnic. In all honesty, it was a refreshing change, kudos for being different and i appreciate his sincerity. However, it was a romantic idea executed too soon that raised goosebumps. 

Whatever happened to friendship first, whatever happened to brewing a good brew? Is this lost in a rat-raced society?

Then again, perhaps each of these men knew exactly what they want thus they cut to the chase.

Then again, perhaps i was never really into them thus i never really chased.


Anonymous said...

was chris your ex bf? i saw your post about him before? how do u deal with it? are your still friends? i need to learn from you

Xtine said...

Yes. back in 2007. Time heals, life goes on. We didn't contact after the break up. 3 years later, he started contacting me again. Yes we do keep cordial communication but nothing more.

Back when we broke up, i keep thinking this will play out to be like a fairy tale with a happy ending. We break up now, but we'll get back together again some day, better and stronger. I think i watched too much romance movies.

After we broke up, i realised how wrong i was about the man, about myself and about relationships.

So i learn and it was good experience.

I always thought if there's no friendship after a breakup then the relationship was never real. If you ever loved someone truly, you will never be able to serve all ties even after breaking up.So yes, there'll be friendship but there will be no obligation, no commitment, no intimacy like before.

Anonymous said...

so you are still in contact w him? do you ever think u will get back with him? how to deal with this? did he treated u like shit? why not give him second chance?

Anonymous said...

I would have given a second chance if he demonstrated that he is indeed a changed man. Unfortunately, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

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