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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

2012

This year have been good. Every year must have been good except i probably forget when another year passes.

Thanks to the Wright brothers and blessed i am to have the opportunity to experience all seasons this year despite being Singaporean, we have no seasons.

This year is not about the travels (although i like showing off my holiday photos), this year is about knowing God and finding self.

This is my own movie, Life of P Moi.

My birthday this year was memorable because for the past years, i've always planned my own birthdays for fear that no one will do it for me. I had my first birthday party at 12 and planned one every year till i was 15. That guaranteed presents.

Then, i cried on my 16th because there was nothing and for the 17-20th, i convinced myself birthdays were nothing. For my 21st, even though i had a boyfriend, i went about planning my own birthday. I threw a steamboat party.

Truth be told, although i try hard to convince myself birthdays are nothing, disappointment creeps in unexpectedly when there's REALLY nothing.

For the first time, without planning ANYTHING in 2012, friends asked me out for birthday treats and i had two weeks of feasting. A different person every night for 14 days, i was a slut. I was loved. And then, there was THAT surprise.

It made me realise that life don't follow plans. We can and should attempt to plan but i've micro managed my life. It had made me labour to get what I've planned but someone knows better. I'm humbled.

I look at the empty expressions on the morning train today while everyone's staring down at their phones. Everyone's in a routine, going to work, finding satisfaction in material wealth, probably all married, go home and repeat.

What is life? What is our life purpose? I thought i knew. To love and be loved.

Have I loved? I've always found it hard to say "i love you" to lovers but only because I won't say it unless i mean it. Yet there were times I'd say it to avoid awkward silence. I was quite the faithful and dutiful girlfriend, but is that love? Then I got an epiphany. I found it easy to say "I love you" to friends and it's not because i don't mean it (i do), but because there were no expectations out of our friendship. It's this feeling i get sometimes with certain dear friends that makes me want to say "I love you".

With no expectations comes no disappointment. I tried hard to honour that but i can't help but to still have expectations of a lover. That, made it hard for love to flow. Then came another epiphany. While i didn't exactly experience that "head over heels in love" feeling, love to me are with tangible characteristics and i honoured that.

My mum is the best in the world (maybe biased but i think not, heh) but because of her expectations, she makes herself miserable. She expects us to score well in school, she expects us to earn a salary, she expects us to get married and have kids.

This expectation makes us want to get outta home as quickly as we can. It is an unbreakable bond between mother and child, but i think it can be deeper if not for the expectations.

Every relationship takes a piece of you away, i get that now. While i can count mine with one hand and less, i am as messed up as most people are.

Life of Moi is very much like Life of Pi.
It's about letting go and having faith.

1 comment:

Blogger said...

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(VIDEO) Have your ex CRAWLING back to you...?

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