Yummy Chrispytine...Still: The Land of Smiles...& Sex.

Checking into JW Marriot, Mai Khao, they gave us a concoction of red liquid with nectar. Tasted kinda odd. You could count the number of guests with your fingers, and the place was somewhat under renovation.

But we were impressed with the massive suites, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the uniquely Thai touch- an elephant towel folded and placed on the dining table.

Master bedroom with bathroom double the size of my Singapore bedroom.

Couldn't bare to use the nicely folded tissue and toilet paper. Washed my ass with shower jet instead.

I have always been one who plan my holidays, when i googled Mai Khao, EVERY ONE warned that this part of Phuket is very secluded, a.k.a BORING. I panicked, i cannot not-do-anything on a holiday.

Thankfully, the hotel KNEW that Mai Khao is boring, with no water sports and no nightlife unlike neighbouring Phuket Town or Patong, so they hosted a variety of workshops and activities for hotel ~~guests~~ kids. I immediately rushed down to the KIDS CLUB for the animal towel making workshop, 30 mins after i checked in. I am shameless, so is my mum.

Supposed to be a rabbit, but it looked more like a roast pig to me.

Turtle!

Orang Utan. The towel, not me.

We arrived 30 mins late, but the nice staff extended the lesson another 30 mins so we got to learn all the animals!

The swans are the EASIEST and the only one that you don't need much guessing.

The rest? They just looked like used tissues strewn about after my morning sinus.

Then it's time to get a 5 star spa treatment, courtesy of my fairy god-mother. JW Mai Khao IS rather plain, but its sister hotel Marriot next door is the belle. So we take a buggy ride to and fro almost every other hour.

And we couldn't resist cam whoring in our private couple room. Fancy an Auntie cam whoring with me. How cool is that!

We took the Sun Riser packag but we had it at sun down. A 30 min scrub (scrubbing so long surprisingly didn't tear my skin) and a 90 min massage. Total bliss. I think the damage done was about $240 per person, that's cheap compared to Marriott Singapore isn't it?

Each couple package also comes with a very nice present. Luxuriously wrapped cleanser, toner, scrub and moisturizer. But hor, upon closer inspection, i noticed that some of the words on the tubs of cream already faded off leh. Hmmm....

After cam whoring for 30 minutes straight in our room (it wasn't even our scheduled treatment time, told you the hotel is secluded.), we went to the pool for a work-out before the massage.

It's the nicest pool i've ever seen (ok, i don't go to fancy hotels alot), it's long and swimming through it reminds me of being in Atlantis (not that i've been there). Infinity pools are so common nowadays, it no longer has the wow factor.

Jacuzzi area.

That's me trying to beat the 10 second self timer to cam whore. Fail.

At the other side of the pool, you can get a 5 star view of the sun set.

An absolute must when you're in Phuket town is:

62/5 Soi Phutorn, Bangkok Rd

A. Muang Telephone: 076 224 287

The deco beats anything i've seen in Singapore hands-down. It's like a open tree house, with various eating nooks with waterfalls or gardens can be found in all 3 levels of it.

That's our little corner, as i peered down from on top. The food is authentic, reasonably priced and tasted good too! Sorry for the poor quality of pictures, i never did figure how to optimise its functions.

Ain't my travelling partners glad that i am a restless traveller. It turns out to be true that Mai Khao is INDEED a boring beach (even though it's right at our door step). With no water activities, whatsoever, you really can't do anything but to tan, run by the beach or roll about in the sea. So kudos to me that i convinced the group to sign up for the Phi Phi tour at Phuket airport. Remember to haggle real low. You should be paying about SGD 60 per person for a full day tour. And, there IS a difference whether you take a small speed boat (35 pax max), or a ferry (with 300 fair and overly excited tourists). The latter can be a lot cheaper.

This was totally candid caught by my mum, but oh how my brother can do the come-hitler look.

We took the speedboat option, glad we did because from island to island takes 40 mins or more. Imagine the ferry, with 300 spartans (not).

Do not try these moves.....

or you'll end up like me. The strong huge waves crashed in, and i was washed off the rock which i tried to pose on top. Instead of upping my sex appeal, i ended with 3 less-than-sexy scratches on my bum.

Trying to quell my wet embarrassment from on-lookers, i sprung up and said "it's ok! I'm ok!" Act nonchalent about the cuts, and posed for another proper picture. Talk about posing recovery.

He poses better than moi.

So we island hop and snorkel along the way. If your hotel provides breakfast, do remember to pack toast with you to bring on the trip. Otherwise, purchase from the dock at $3 per loaf.

You won't want to miss feeding the fishes. It's such a thrill!!

My mum looks like a squirrel. She has a phobia of water, like me. My brother is very mean, he flung a peice of bread (frisbee style), and it landed accurately right in front of her. Guess what? The piranhas surrounded her and she TOTALLY FREAKED OUT!

AWESOME pic right? I know. Coming right at ya. For once, my camera did not fail me.

Mum's so funny, she kept squealing and shooing the fishes away while clinging on to my dad for her dear life. She said, "I am very scared they swim into my mouth!!"

I said, " Of course they will. With you squealing like that, your mouth is wide OPEN!

Confirm WILL SWIM IN!"

I hope lightning doesn't strike me.

The trick to feeding the fishes is to clench your fist, fit the peice of bread between your knuckles. Like this, you won't fear the them biting off your fingers (they don't anyway, but naturally you fear) and you won't lose the grip on your bread as well. You might feel abit of their teeth though. And their slimy hard scales,

oh such a thrill!

This is what implants will look like. Rock Hard.

The last stop was some island where you just chill (hard to, under sorching sun) at the beach bar, on the beach or get in the waters. You can explore the entire island and find some nook for some hanky panky.

One of the island stop-over was aptly called Monkey Island. This picture unfolded before me, and i always think of Planet of the Apes (fantastic movie). What if the roles were reversed and its the monkeys snapping away at all these fair skin fat ang mohs?

Though we were given bits of banana to feed the monkeys, be alert. They bite, and you won't know if they have rabies or worse, aids. I saw them copulating (monkey and mokey. not the girl above), doggie style.

He told me once he met a girl whose face was scratched all across. He went up to her in the bar and asked if she got slapped jokingly, she said a monkey clawed her face! Apparently, she ignored the warning sign that said “If you’re menstruating, please do not enter.” A monkey pounced onto her and started humping away the moment she crossed territory. Fact or fiction? I won’t want to know.

Lunch break was at Phi Phi Don island, oh how i wish we had more than an hour to spare!

Because there's shopping here, go go go!

Massage with special service?

I wonder if that clever message was purposeful constructed with humour or it was just a case of ignorant Thais? What do you think?

They have many shops selling the same trinklets. So you can make a hell out of bargaining. Here comes the sex part. Having travelled fairly wide, i have not come across any country where they blatantly display wares of sexual nature in public where children will be. Meet Thailand.

That's right. You extinguish your cigarette right between her legs. Ssssss......

Ironically, right behind this missionary, are the See No Evil monkeys.

I think they downplayed the elephant's real size, probably would have cost more with the extra plaster.

Our last night was splendidly spent at Fantasea. A theme park, without the roller coasters, Fantasea impressed us despite if being a Thai attraction and not an American Universal.

The whole place showed off spendid deco, and there was a different theme for each section of the park. Shops with their whole theme selling there ware are predominant.

One complaint though. They do not provide park maps (which is no big deal, because it is pretty much single direction) BUT if you did not know within the Safari themed shop house a BIG AMAZING indoor zoo, you will be surely regret for missing it!

Being excellent tour guides run in the blood, my dad pointed it out and led the way.

The mini zoo was BEAUTIFULLY decorated. I love it better than our Singapore zoo! Air-con throughout with extra thought into blending the animals with the environment. I felt sad though, because it's an indoor zoo, many of the animals are enclosed in small spaces with no green pastures and no fresh air.

They make the tigers like Sultans, decorating its enclosure to look like the Taj Mahal!

I regretted not taking a video to accurately show you how cute this display is. But it's a big glass tank that is like Willy Wonker’s chocolate factory. Guess what runs around sweets? Complete with rotating platforms and all.

Something that suckles a cow's udders?

Hamsters! My hamster (now in Heaven) would be so happy in there.

The highlight of this entire theme park are the elephants. At the end of the night, everyone is to make their way to the Elephant Palace to enjoy a 90 minute musical. Although everyone clamours to touch and pose with the elephants, again i felt sorry for them. Some of them were SO sleepy and most of their eyes were SUPER watery. I think its the THOUSANDS of camera flashes that is irritating their eyes. Sometimes i wonder if animals should really be used for our entertainment. I know we are at the top of the food chain, which lets us take alot of things for granted. Aren't humans selfish? I admit i can't stop visiting places that uses animals for entertainment because i love theme parks and sea worlds, all i hope is that these elephants loved by their carers, as Thais supposedly worship elephants right?

It's such a lively place, with every worker in some sort of costume. Even the road sweepers. Just like in Disney Land! Which is again, why we're impressed with Thailand.

I saw this dude first, but he looked so fierce in the shop, i didn't dare ask for a photo. Just in case he thought i was mocking him, treating him like an exhibit. But later, i saw 2 boob implant girls asking to take picture with him, and he obliged with a wide grin. He even held their hands, one on each side.

I know haggling is a must-do in thailand but you can't do so for Fantasea. Although some agents give a small discount automatically. Some people might advise you to do without the dinner, but in my opinion, get the All Inclusive package. Transport, dinner and show. $87. 3 hours (excluding show) was comfortable for us to eat, explore and enjoy. Dinner was systematic, your group will be allocated table numbers so there will be no rush. A variety, be sure to check out every corner of the massive ballroom that can sit thousands, because there is Indian, Japanese and other selections too. Many of us didn't know that, and only stuck to the center spread. Only when my dad (kudos to him again) came back with Indian food, we all asked WHERE?!

Be sure to release yourself before the show as once you're seated, it's a hassle to get out, especially if you're not seated near the aisle. Be warned that you will have to check in camera phones and cameras though.

You know what to do. *wink*

No photography was allowed for the show. The park wasn't a disappointment, but the show though more enjoyable towards the end, is not comparable by the slightest bit to shows in Disney or Universal. It gets very boring especially at the parts where they do their cultural dance. It gets better when the animals start coming out. With animals, everything is unexpected. Like how a rooster lost its herd and wandered around the stage, or lucky us witnessing a dancer jumping straight into an enormouse elephant poop, or seeing 3 elephants start a symphony of releasing their pee (stage staff had to scramble to replace bucket after bucket underneath the elephant).

Other than the cultural dances, they performed luckstre magic tricks (could be impressive to some, but i didn't feel anything) like making tigers and elephants disappear, sawing a woman into halve etc. At one point, 16 adult elephants stood on stage, at that moment i thought if any one of them go crazy, we will ALL be dead right here, in this auditorium. If not killed by an elephant foot, but a human stampede.

Still, it's a MUST go if you haven't.

Transport around Phuket is expensive. That's what happens when you live in some obscure place like Mai Khao and we could only rely on private transport.You can check out Premium Mall, where it's a factory outlet of sorts. It's not the famous labels there, but i'm sure you'll find something you fancy because they have big shoe shops (averages $20 per pair, don't know the brand), and many others selling quality clothes etc. Playboy sells nice shoes (factory outlet price: $70, shopping mall price: $100). Not a dirt cheap shopping area, but it offers a variety different from the Parsar Malam quality.