Banish boring weddings.

I bet every girl since young will dream of her wedding day. I am not ashamed to say I did too. Then, all I thought was how awesome it would be that you can be in your prettiest frocks, all dolled up (when make-up is only for adults) and BE THE STAR.

So I’ll dig my mum’s wardrobe and put on her evening gown (worn on her wedding day), slip on her high heels and walk down the hallway, in a silent house with my toys as wedding guests.

As you can see from this old picture, my younger brother and I imagined we’re in Hawaii…in our HDB living room. That’s how deluded yet innocent as children we are.

I was hired to be a wedding emcee. I hosted in Mandarin (i particularly loved reciting the good wishes for the toast, i felt like i was the bearer of good luck) at the Pan Pacific.
                                                   

I received quite a fat pay cheque for it.

                                                   

And this gown was originally at $1099, because of the GSS, i bought it at 80% off. I can't even pronounce the Italian designer's name, i'm not a sucker for brands but i 'd pay for good cuts.

                                            

I must say a wedding planner is almost a necessity in every wedding. This well-to-do couple had one and trust me, they were the FIRST couple i've seen who is SO RELAXED. The overseas couple had the planner do everything, then fly in the day before and JUST ATTEND their wedding.

I have heard so many horror stories of couples almost splitting up because of DIY wedding planning. My gf told me she never knew her husband-to-be had these "flaws". Usually the man is more laid back than the woman when it comes to planning the wedding because boys just hate this kinda fairy stuff! This makes the girl feel as if only SHE wants to get married (technically, that could be the case). Then tempers flare, and relationships spoil.

                                                    

I love attending weddings because I get to sit, chill, pig out AND CRITICIZE. Because weddings are SO BORING! I wonder why do people spend so much on a wedding, yet it turns out so bland. I mean the food's good, the deco is great but the programme, concept, entertainment is all SO PREDICTABLE.  Cheesy photo montage of the wedding album, another cheesy photo montage of couple's childhood...

But weddings always put you in a cheery mood, and i get teary every time. I think it's such a beautiful image, two strangers from nowhere meet and now share a common future,completing or rather creating another cycle of life.

                                        

But weddings are an expensive affair, especially to the Chinese. Because it's pride, face value and to show-off when they marry off their daughter, or marry someone. Afterall, it is meant to only happen once in a lifetime. That arc you see on stage? It consists of 3,500 roses. Guess how much it costs?

                                                

A whooping $12,000. I asked the wedding planner if flowers is a necessity. He said it's an absolute must because it boosts the romance factor. He has never done a wedding without flowers, unless the couple is allergic to pollen. Which then ups the cost because silk flowers is even MORE expensive.

So my mind starts working..i saw the impracticalities of a wedding and i started planning  day dreaming MY wedding. Firstly, i don't think its wise to splurge on flowers when you can't eat it or bring it home. I asked the planner if he can use fakes, like plastic..he raised his eyebrow at me. I guess that means cheapskate. So i've decided if flowers are SO important to the success of a wedding, i'll host mine in the Botanical Gardens. That, or have a themed wedding. Everyone will be so distracted that no one notices i'm being a cheapskate by not having flowers.

                                           

          

It may be fun, but i definitely won't let myself look funny (the bride should be the vainest person that day).

                                                   

Alot of themes revolve around the couples' profession.

Although it might be a theme, but i'd like to maintain the innocence of wearing a white bridal gown. I find it romantic (more than flowers) for the groom to be lifting my veil. I also find it romantic that my fiancee goes to my father and asks for my hand in marriage (better if he videos the process down, turn it into a comedy and play it at the wedding). Am i too demanding? Otherwise how will that action make me wet in panties? No visuals, won't be touched.

                                                 

I can be in a gown and my guests can wear external undies.

Got to give this couple the cake for taking so much effort in dressing up. Their professions must be of costume makers! I bet the owl is the ring bearer.

OK, that part settled. Saved shit loads of money on flowers, but spent shit loads on costumes. At least i give alot more photo ops and it's just alot more fun, don't cha think?

It's almost customary for the Chinese to throw wedding dinners in ballrooms. Like i mentioned before, it's about face value to the parental units. The posher the hotel, the more successful your boy is, the better your daughter has married into. I liked the idea of a standee of the bride and groom, so i'd steal that idea from Fann Wong's wedding and steal that photo from Joanne Peh's blog.

But i'll include this in...

                                       

So it'll be interactive. My guests can pose as my baby. Creepy, but what-the-heck!

And i'll have Kumar the infamous drag queen as my emcee/ entertaining. He/ She costs $3000 for a 15 minute gig but i love his jokes! Away with boring weddings, with Kumar around. The old folks might get a heart attack though. My parents will probably tsk tsk at the lurid jokes, but hey...you want a grand child??

                                              
 But er, provided he is still in service when i marry. I forsee that to be a looong while. I hope there’ll be someone to take his place when he retires of the industry. Kumar, are you grooming anyone? Not in the literal sense ( I know how much you like to doll up).


And he can bring along his loud outrageous A-go go girls. Who can shimmy away and dazzle the crowd like that wedding scene in SATC 2.

That settles the opening act. The next thing that is a waste of money is the wedding band. A wedding band commands anything from $2000- $3000, and they play the whole night. Granted their voices are good and again it’s very romantic having them belt out love songs. Me being a miser, I feel what difference does it make having a live band and a good sound system that plays from a CD? It’s not as if the live band really interacts with the guests..it’s not a concert! Also I know many friends who are band players/ singers; my brother himself is a good source to tap on! But I want everyone to have a whale of a time at my celebration. No one is going to stay on stage, watch people eat while they croak away. To solve this, I will get my guests to participate in Don't Forget the Lyrics!!

I’ll hire a game host and I’ll register the crooners (quality control) beforehand and they take turns to go up and sing! Ta-Dah! An ingenious solution! There’ll be music AND no one will feel like they’re “working”. Plus I can save dispensing ang pows!

Then as i get hitched, i won't forget my single friends. The movies always portray weddings to be the perfect spot for potential mates. Alas it has never happened here and in my time. Most of the time people stick to their group or themselves and eat silently through the ten course. So i'll ply my guests with alcohol, throw in some attractive prizes (dinner-for-two, hotel stay..adult shop voucher..haha) and make them play risque games.
                                        
But it shouldn't be as mindless and tacky like NTU's Orientation. It should have a certain skill, like who is the fastest in getting the egg to travel from one pant leg to the other. Hopefully i get to match-make some of my friends through this night.
 
The End. That's how my wedding will be. Full of fun and heart attacks.

Waking up beside the same face for the rest of your life is a delirious yet scary thought.

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.