Legend of the Fist

Its an embarrassing secret I’ve kept. Only a handful of reeeeally close friends know it, and even then they cringe and burst out in LOUD embarrassing laughter, pointing at me as if I was a freak.

Now, I’m going to share it with you. Partly because I want to win this contest, but also, even if you burst out laughing and point at my picture on the computer, 我看不到。哪泥哪泥波波。(I can’t see it, Nanenanebooboo)

I’ve mentioned before that I love dreaming, one memorable dream I had was of an actor. Now, my family’s favourite past time is to watch 王飞洪 (Wong Fei Hung) which then later improvised to ANY kungfu flick, and eat durians. Interestingly, everyone in my family, including extended family that was and still is our favourite past time, which is still being passed down generations.

I remember watching Once Upon A Time in China 5x, Ong Bak 2x, Ip Man 3x. My family would first watch it in the cinema, then on DVD, then on TV when the broadcaster acquires it. My dad is No. 1 in kung fu movie watching. We inherit that trait from him. I caught him watching Ip Man for the 3rd time and he was smiling to himself during the fight scene (Donnie Yen not only have an effect on women). My Ang Moh friend who was with me said, “I bet your dad is fantasizing to be Donnie Yen.”

I laughed. How true. Ang mohs usually assume every Chinese know Kungfu, I suppose pictures like this do make us look like we’re experts in secret!

So anyway, back to my secret right…..when I have “needs”, I will rewind, pause and replay on DVD to get high (if you know what I mean). So one fine night (I have no control over dreams), I had a WET DREAM.
I dreamt of *dramatic pause* JET LI in his Chinese Kungfu Robes (no less). I knoooooow…….he is not the most handsome of all actors. *cough* Mo Bing *cough* Face (pockmarked face)

But I found him very handsome….all because he knows Kungfu!! It’s not the same even if Stallone, Arnold or Van Damme can kick some ass too. I like Chinese men, even more so when the strong Chinese values of righteousness, loyalty and filial piety is portrayed in their characters (i.e. Wong Fei Hung style).

So anyway, I dreamt that Wong Fei Hung came to pick me up in a Limousine (no less) to go to a ball. We went to the ball; I was in a sexy black modern dress while he was in his ancient robes, half shaved head with long pig-tail. I remember it all looked very normal (remember how you can’t differentiate reality and dreams in a dream?) and we were grinding (I actually don’t grind in real life, hardly a sex pot on the dance floor. I got NO talent, remember?) in the middle of the dance floor.

After getting all hot and heavy, Fei Hung went to get me some fruit punch. At this point, suddenly, a group of Bangas started surrounding me and closing on me (I am not racist, but for the sake of this story….imagine a deep dark sea of black threatening to flood you). I started feeling fearful. I was alone and helpless.
Wong Fei Hung to the rescue!! He ditched the fruit punch, and came flying back to do some flying kicks. So I was in awe as I see all these kungfu moves being executed in front of me. I was feeling delirious, totally wet already.

After he cleared up the dark cloud, Fei Hung proudly sit down cross legged on the floor ( I don’t know why the hell he did that, but again in my dream, it seemed to be the MOST NATURAL thing to do. After fighting, tired mah, must sit down and rest). But not before he sweeps his ancient robe to the side, and with that one sweep, I caught a glimpse of his underwear.

Maroon red briefs.

Just when the dream was getting good, it ends. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT!!!
So you can't really count that a wet dream, can you?

Like men who loses interest in an aging women, I did too. Now that Jet Li is getting older and getting even more Mor-Bing and rounder, I shifted my attention to Donnie Yen.

VS

Actually, that picture doesn't get me going, what got me going is this look...

I'm not shallow ok! It's not about brawns.

Poor Donnie, I never knew, much less noticed him when he fought against Wong Fei Hung in Once Upon a Time in China 2, the one which I watched no less than 5 times. It was his breakthrough role in 1992, and the fight scene remains one of the most celebrated fights in martial arts films to this day. Was it because Donnie played the baddie and so naturally no one likes the baddie? He and Jet face off again in 2002’s Hero, and again I didn’t notice him (busy drooling over Jet Li, still).
When I read that bit of trivia, I immediately went to Youtube.

Really don’t recall even after I’ve watched Wong Fei Hung countless times. Hmmm..you know how Chinese Vampires (僵尸) are always in that traditional Manchu robes and black hat of the Qing dynasty like Donnie Yen is wearing?

As a little kid, I watched a lot of 僵尸 movies too, and I always get nightmares after that. Yet I still won’t stop watching. Just before sleep, I will always get this feeling that a 僵尸 is standing right beside my bed, peering at me as I sleep. They are said to be created when a person's soul fails to leave the deceased's body, due to improper death, suicide, or just wanting to cause trouble. They may also be victims of premature burial.

Seeing how Donnie Yen died in the above clip, definitely he’ll be coming back as a vampire. I think I wouldn’t mind him standing beside my bed (Choy! Better don’t anyhow say. Still 7th month now)

Speaking of them, do you know how they came about? I tried googling why are they always in the Chinese Imperial drab, but I couldn’t.

What I found was that back in old days, family members who could not afford wagons or had little money would hire Taoist priests to transports corpses of their families who died far away from home over long distances by teaching them to hop on their own feet (because their body/ muscles will already be stiffened and harden, so can only hop) back to their hometown for a proper burial. It’s the folk practice of "Traveling a Corpse over a Thousand Li" (千里行屍).

Taoist priests would transport the corpses only at night and would ring bells to notify other pedestrians of their presence because it was considered bad luck for a living person to set eyes upon a Chinese Vampire (or any vampire for that matter). This practice (湘西趕屍) was popular in Xiangxi where many people left their hometown to work elsewhere. After they died, their corpses were transported back to their rural hometown using long bamboo rods, believing they would be homesick if buried somewhere unfamiliar. When the bamboo flexed up and down, the corpses appeared to be hopping in unison from a distance. It could be a myth or it could stories made up by smugglers who disguised their illegal activities as corpse transportation and wanted to scare off law enforcement officers.

Sorry, i digressed. Anyway, another reason for switching sides from the Li to the Yen is that:

Donnie is taller at 1.73m.

I always found Cantonese very sexy and romantic; Donnie not only speaks fluent Cantonese but English and Mandarin too! Not many Hong Kong actors can do that loh (look at Jet Li in Hollywood movies…pppft) He can also speak casual Korean.

Donnie is also a trained classical pianist (good with his fingers!) They should have modeled this after Donnie Yen, I SURE buy!!

Read what it is here.

Since durians can’t be brought into the cinema, I need to find a substitute to fill my gaping mouth when I see Donnie Yen in large screen in his upcoming film Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen 精武风云: 陈真

I really can't wait! Maybe i'll dream tonight, sneak preview. Hee hee hee. If not, have to wait till Sept 23 when the movie opens. Can't wait so long!!Ahhhh...

When you watch my movies, you're feeling my heart.

Donnie Yen

You've Got Talent.

My greatest regret is not nurturing a talent. Like i mentioned before, my mum tried and failed because i had the attention span of a squirrel. So i was never really good at anything. I can't sing, i can't dance.

                       

Stick figures are art to me.

The only one thing i'm good at is Judo. Although the REAL reason why i'm good at it was i'm more terrified of being disfigured or dislocated. Ok, i've won debates and story telling compeitions too, but they weren't international.

Whenever it comes to Talent Time of any sort, i'll have NOTHING to perform. When i performed that magic trick to Liu Qian...i thought, yes!maybe this is something i can try and be good at!

But look at the disatrous results....

 Step 1: Show audience your rabbit

Step 2: Do a quick switch and distract audience with your OTHER fist.

 Step 3: Distract audience with some joke (one thing i'm really good at though, is gift of the gab) while slipping the rabbit under your ass.

Step 4: Laugh some more with the audience.

Step 5: Ta-DAH! Rabbit has disappeared.

As you can see, my magic miserably failed. A magician NEVER reveals her trick, but the camera man sabotaged me with a wide-angle shot. Oh well, this further proves to me I've got NO TALENT!

But at least i own friends who do (the green one)!


I wish i can buy Apple Girl too with Facebook credits.

She's actually Korean and ironically she sings better in English than speaking in English.

Now, she's really talented because she played music with 1,2,3,4,5 iphones.

I may not have a valid talent, but at least i share a similar characteristic with the Apple Girl.

Stylish Nails!! That'll last 2 weeks, and thus will end my talented association.

Being Capable.

My family isn’t rich and I am the daughter instead of the son. Often, I had to earn my keep and work for what I covet after. Allowance from my parents was such a painful and hurtful experience (if I was considered disobedient, instead of curfews, I get my allowance deducted), I vowed to gain financial independence as soon as I can.

I started wanting things when I hit puberty. Quite understandably, that’s the age when you needed some degree of looking fashionable and fitting in.

Looking like Red Power Ranger is no more cute after 12.

Sure, i can get all pose-y, but having my mother buy my swimming costume, for sure won't look like the one i bought for myself. 

When it comes to big ticket items, other than having my first mobile phone, a Nokia 3210 bought by a male suitor and my first boom box given by a female suitor, I am proud to say any big ticket item thereafter that I lust for is bought with my own hands.

How do i afford the pretty things you see? My secret is...

Discount-o (hai はい) cards! I know...i am very AUNTIE. But being an Auntie means savings ok!

10x0.10=1x10=$10x10=$1000. You do the maths.

At a young age, I was taught to value my body and that it is precious. Many girls gave their bodies to men in return for material luxuries. Then of course there are the manipulative ones who get their branded handbags without committing to the man. Fortunately I was never obsessed with brands, yet at the same time because I so eagerly craved for financial independence, away from my parents, I also gained financial independence, away from men.

Sometimes I feel darn proud of my own capability. Yet sometimes, I am wary of being strong. Just sometimes, I want to be that little girl to be doted upon.

Behind every successful woman, is herself.

A photo to remember me by.

When i was 13, i had a major crush on my senior. He returned my feelings and we treated each other innocently special. We spoke on the phone almost everyday, gave each other love letters and nothing more. When i went for a family holiday, it was the first time we'll be "apart". I gave him a photo to remember me by....i gave him THIS.........

I thought it was sexy (i'm cringing at myself too, so please stop laughing.)

Then it came to a point where i got embarrassed being a four eyed frog, so i started removing my glasses when taking pictures so i upgraded the photo he kept of me to this.........

I also found this very NUBILE SEXY.

12 years later, this is the type of pictures i give out. Complete with a landscape handmade by moi.

Something to remember me by.

Night at the Museum

Kudos to my Japanese porn-lovin’ friend (who insists he watches porn for their acting skills) who invited me to watch with him Air Doll. Kudos to also the organizers of the Japanese Film Festival who brought in this film, challenging the norms of plots.

We’ve seen toys coming alive (Toy Story), and animals talking (Dr Dolittle), but nothing raises my eyebrow as much as a blow-up doll coming alive. Yes, only the Japanese could think of that. Actually, I would too (damn it, I lost an opportunity in winning an award).

So I immediately put my hand up and bought that $10 ticket to the basement of the National Museum to watch that movie at 9pm on a Sunday night. This is its third RA screening, and all screenings were sold out within a day (told you Singaporeans are sexually repressed). It was an interesting mix of movie goers snaking outside the entrance. Many gays (do they use blow-up dolls?), many young couples and group of friends. Add in 2 or 3 Auntie and Uncles (happening leh).

I doubt you will get to see Air Doll anymore as the festival ends this weekend, I strongly urge you to find it someway or another. Or else, hopefully this review does it some justice.

The opening scene sees the air doll’s master enjoying a cupcake and a mug of coffee with the doll, talking to her as if she’s alive (starting with his problems at work, and then leading to what she thinks about skipping the bath tonight (hinting sex)).

He actually takes her out on dates, exactly like what a couple do except with with an inanimate object.
The audience laughed, me being very knowledgeable, I didn’t find it funny because the way the actor depicted the scene is very real because there IS a culture of lonely Japanese men and their dolls. It is also increasingly becoming “normal”. I’ve also heard that it is a crime to steal another man’s doll in Japan (Gasp, your doll screwed another man behind your back!)

The scene then changes to Nozomi’s middle aged master making love to her (with foreplay first, no less. And in other scenes, he takes a bath with her tenderly). At this point in the dark theatre, I blushed. Like how moaning sounds make me shy in public, the sound of squeaking inflatable and shuffling of plastic made me cover my eyes to reserve my innocence (who am I kidding!).

Kinky then turns to freaky. The next morning, Nozomi started coming alive. It’s almost like Child’s Play, except the doll is prettier. My hair stood a little seeing the inflatable take life (the human actress didn’t replace her immediately). Slowly, the air doll comes to life, filled with a soul and Bae Doo-Na, the Korean actress’s full nude glory falls upon our eyes, not once but many times in the film (even I lust for her body).

Exploring the world around her (like a new-born child), the actress did an impeccable job in mimicking a doll’s moves. Starting a double life as a human, she meets other people who are as empty and lonely inside as she is. Among those with which she comes into contact was a sweet hundred year-old man fond of telling stories (that always coincidentally ends up comforting her when she is down). Although at some point, she ended up in his home feeding him medicine while he lay in bed, and he suddenly asked IF SHE MINDED TOUCHING HIM.

Taking the cue (because she is a sex doll, after all), she reached below, and he said he actually meant his head, the one on top.

She also crossed paths with an ageing secretary, an elderly lady perpetually fretting about crime reports from the television and a spoilt child.

These characters are all scared of getting old and being alone, like any human being. Air doll is demonstrates very aptly of any metropolitan life where everybody is searching for tenderness. The film brings up many crucial questions: What is the meaning of the time between birth and death? Is it good to have a heart after all? What is left when we lose everything?

The movie then turns romantic as Nozomi suddenly realizes feelings of fondness for a co-worker in a video store (yes, she got a job at the video store nearby).

She leads a seemingly normal life in the day, discovering make-up to cover the doll lines on her body, buying clothes, having men lust after her, going on dates with her love interest, but rushes home at night to become the sex doll to her master she is originally born/ made for.

Along the way, she becomes an object of sex and her seemingly nice boss “raped” her but she was nonchalant because she IS made for sex after all (with her boss commenting that “your sort (air dolls) just have sex with every man, isn’t it?) I LOVE the fact that they didn’t let even the littlest detail go about the whole process of making love to an air doll. They showed Nozomi’s master cleaning the onahole (fake pussy) that is within Nozomi as casually as he is washing the dishes. Also, Nozomi herself removing her own fake pussy and washing it after she was raped by her boss (like how a real woman would scrub herself vigorously after being raped).

Nozomi’s love interest Junchii found out she’s an air doll one day when she accidentally pricked herself at work, and started to deflate right in front of his eyes (it starts getting really weird, as with all Japanese films). He then breathes life into her, literally giving her a blow job (looks like it too, how sensual the scene looked). The air doll confessed to him that she likes him and would do anything for him. He then confessed he has a fantasy that no one else will be able to fulfill it but her. At this time, I don’t know why but I kept thinking ANAL SEX!!!

His sick fetish was to see her deflate, then give her a blow job, then deflate her again, then give her a blow job again. Consecutively, it happened 4 times.

Then the movie started to slant towards horror. As Nozomi keeps lamenting that she is empty inside (because she is an inflatable, remember? An air-head!), Junchii comforts her by saying he is also empty inside. However, it was really just a metaphor for the emptiness of urban living, that as a population as a whole or even on an individual level, we are all empty in some way. Alas, the naïve air doll took it to mean that Junchii is ALSO an air doll himself so she thought she’ll return that sick fetish favor by slitting him up and trying to blow air into him! Blood, blood everywhere (like a horror movie).

Realizing that Junchii is dead, she intelligently packed his body in a thrash bag and place him in the ‘burnable garbage’ pile, whilst she knows she will belong in ‘non-burnable’, being plastic.

Nozomi’s life comes to an end when she lives out her existence when her master bought a new doll to replace her (but still calling the new doll Nozomi) when she started to MIA on him because her heart is now with Junchii. I loved the fact that this plot demonstrated how our current technological urban sprawl eventually leads us to so much emptiness within. It also enhanced the Japanese culture, whereby they have a particularly guarded approach to life which involves a public face and a private world. This is exemplified with the character of Hideo, Nozomi’s master who spends all day submissive to his haughty restaurant superiors and dismissive customers, yet at night in his cramped apartment, he creates his own world built with his air doll who is named after his ex-girlfriend.

I got to admit, I wanted to watched this film because it’s going to be full of mindless sex that will corrupt my innocent mind (who am I kidding!). I even told my friend before going in, that if it has less sex scenes than I expected, I’m going to scold him for wasting my money. Instead, I came out feeling enlightened (not a sinner), because it evokes a lot of questions about my own immortality, and my legacy.

Nozomi, being an air doll met her creator at some point and realises her reason for existence (fulfilling loneliness of men and being a substitute for sex),and also realises that she is mass produced and can be created again and again in the same replica.

In reality, psychotic as it may sound, when somebody dies, there’s always a child that is born at the same moment. Not that I believe in reincarnation, but is a new life with a new illusion of being irreplaceable and unique? Or perhaps we just have some moments to breathe, until we leave again some day?

It seems life

is constructed in a way

that no one can fulfill it alone.

Life contains its own absence,

which only an other can fulfill.

First Impressions.

It's for your own good when our government emphasizes relentlessly and pushes so many Speak Good English campaigns.

In case your listening failed as badly as her spoken, she meant:

1. i wish men in China were be more respectful

2. shoes, they bring you a long way

3. i'm 19, no bad date

The thing is Miss Uruguay can't really speak good English either! But did you find her as hilarious as Miss China? Was it because she's prettier (subjective) and so it's more acceptable? Do i find her more exotic than Miss China because I'm Asian and vice versa, an Ang Moh will perhaps find Tang Wei utterly adorable with that spluttering English? Bet you're curious about Singapore's representative.

Our neighbour's.

Can't see her make-up. You can go on surfing the other videos. I haven't come across any that is really stunning.But i love the concept of the following video.

Ok, the first half is stunning, the second half just looked crazy.

Cyber Sex

Ham Sup men, be warned.



Great viral marketing video for the upcoming film.

Another one of those feel good posts....

Sexy Jennifer Aniston.

Before retouched Jennifer.

The weekend is here! Indulge in your favourite foods!

Meow.

Catwalk:
A narrow walkway high above the ground is called a cat walk because you have to be as surefooted as a cat to avoid stumbling or falling off of its narrow surface.

 Especially true when you're wearing long hanboks.

I really think i'll make quite a hot pregnant woman. Haha!

I love the adrenaline of a fashion show. Korean hair stylist Joel Park curled my hair in 3 mins FLAT. I was half afraid he's gonna burn my face. Ozone friendly, he hardly used any hair spray on the models!

Essentials for a fashion show:

1. Nude safety pants + 2. Strapless bra/ nude tube top

(the mall could only provide a small storeroom sized changing room where 4 girls squeezed in. Inevitibly, the door swings open quite alot while we're changing. Lucky shoppers hanging around back-stage probably got more than an eyeful/mouthful.

Look! I zao kheng. I threw on the top so quickly to realise a big arm hole and didn't come prepared with a tube top. That's why runway models don't wear bras. So that they didn't have to bother with the right bra with the right clothes. Imagine VBL or VPL (visible panty line). They're most likely A cups and therefore not an eye sore (albeit a happy one, imagine bouncy tits). They do use nipple tape though, no errect nipples please.

Warning: Not wearing bras could lead to this though....
I was in a fashion show and I had on a strapless top. When I got to the end the top was down.

Adriana Lima
 
Some fashion brands  pick ugly but tall models on purpose. They are afraid that a pretty face might draw away the attention meant for the clothes. That in my opinon, is an insecure fashion designer. How does this hot VS model NOT accenturate what she's wearing which makes silly women like me buy them and realise it doesn't make us half as hot!?!

Well, everyone has their own style in walking the runway. The westerners don't usually smile, local companies prefer us to smile. Some models prance the runway like Bambi, some bounce like hop scotch. The ones who sashay sultry is a turn-off to me personally.Maybe it'll work with lingerie shows, but not with fashion.

Work to your own style, life is too short to blend in.

D Duck.

Donald Duck has been accused of being the most perverted of all cartoons, because he doesn’t wear pants. If you haven’t already noticed, Donald wears a sailor costume without pants except when he goes swimming

or that he holds a towel when he just showered. It’s pretty ironic and you really wonder what’s in the sick (or not) minds of the cartoonist. For the record, Daisy, his love interest doesn’t wear pants too!

Gender biased or not, she doesn’t get punished as much as Donald for not wearing pants! Finland even banned the telecast of cartoons featuring the duck. No pants? No show.

Was the cartoonist lazy in drawing just half Donald’s outfit? Or did he think that a duck’s ass is too huge to fit any bottom. On the contrary, if he hadn’t dressed Donald at all (leaving him all bare, fluffy and white), would poor Donald suffer the flasher image at all? Look at Bugs Bunny who wears nothing, he wasn’t crowned the perverted of all cartoons!

 Is Donald perverted by nature? Or because he doesn’t wear pants, and thus the perversion? 27-year-old April Magalon of Pennsylvania claims that Donald Duck grabbed her boob at Epcot Center in Florida.


The Smoking Gun.com reports that April is suing Disney for $50,000 claiming that she suffered severe physical injury and emotional anguish after Donald Duck molested her chest and then lifted up his snowy white hands in the air “indicating he had done something wrong."

Dlisted.com says April is currently being treated for the money grubbing drama queen disorder post-traumatic stress disorder she suffers from thanks to Donald's wandering hands. April's lawsuit also mentions that there's a long list of incidents involving costumed Disney characters molesting on unsuspecting victims.
                                                   
Of all the mascots I’ve met around theme parks, Donald was one character I disliked the most. Unaffected by what just happened above, I remember he kept jabbing my ribs when I first encountered him when I was 11. It was also at Epcot Center in Florida. When he put his arm around my shoulder for a picture, he used his fingers and grind that joint connecting my shoulder blades. It was painful lah!

I tolerated and not punch the duck in the face because well
1) I’m a docile 11 year old
2) it’s Disney! Where everything is magical and happy
3) He’s a Disney character, maybe he’s in character?

Got to admit though, when i saw Donald again recently at Tokyo's Disney Sea, my nipples freezed. Donald may not be a phaedophile and thus only went for my 11 year-old shoulder joints, but now that i'm a woman..who knows!

This reminds me of children below 7 as well. I use to hang out with children a lot, because I teach Sunday school. Once, a boy smacked my ass from behind while calling “teacher, teacher!” I didn’t know how to react, he did after all, remove his hand after 2 seconds. Another, when the thunder roared, he came running into my arms and co-incidentally (or not) had his hand placed right on my right boob. My heart stopped and I wasn’t sure to fling his small hand dramatically away or not.


We all know that Donald’s characteristic is being mischievous, cheeky and has a bad temper. Is that why there’re so many “lurid” videos on You Tube about the horny duck?



Should we however cut mascots some slack? They are after all in this stuffy oversized suit that probably blinds them, giddy with the lack of air, still they have to act in character. Perhaps it was a little difficult in controlling where their hands swing? Like this shampoo ad.



So smooth till you touch her boob.

Laugh Monday Blues Away

One of my ambitions was to be a teacher. When i'm home alone, i'd wear my mum's clothes, heels and fill one of these plastic rectangular baskets with books and markers (do teachers still use those baskets now?)

Let Ms Ng teach you some Mandarin....

The optimum visual for 鲜花插在牛粪上。

Translation: fresh flower on a pile of shit, usually used to describe a pretty girl attached to an ugly man.